My progress thus far

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It’s been a really long time since the last time iv’e posted. I really need to be in the right mindset as i don’t want to post rubbish plus i’m a busy lad. Iv’e completed my first year at university with very minor issues and a feeling of accomplishment in a long time.

Things around me seem to be moving fast and you get that feeling of being left behind. Iv’e had numerous dreams that point this out from friends leaving me behind to me being lost and needing to say something to someone but they are never there. I do admit i have a fear of being left behind and not sure how to deal with it. I’ll either disappear or cling on too tightly making them disappear, it’s a tough cycle.

Iv’e always thought is there a cure to mental illness and i really don’t think there is, it’s all a balancing act and managing it. For me it feels like i’m standing in the middle of a seesaw balancing, one side is extreme happiness the other is severe depression, the whole time i’m trying to stay level and balanced as if i lean too much towards extreme happiness for me all i think about is how long is this going to last till something bad happens knocking me heavily in the opposite direction. Talking is key but it’s extremely difficult because it’s so hard to put into words and others who haven’t gone through it will struggle to understand.

I think the older i get the more i realise and can get a grasp on it early but there is that one thing hiding in the back of your mind all the time filling you with ‘what if’s’ and every ‘what if’ is very negative. Everyone wants happiness but i think balance is the key, same goes for a relationship, a balance of independence and sharing with that person is what works so why not within yourself? why fall when you can stay level? Obviously this is easier said then done and i’m still figuring it out myself but i hope that might help you think more deeply about yourself and how you portray the inner you.

ON THE RIGHT PATH

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Hello all, I do realise it has been a long time since my last post but at least I have positives to talk about.

I lost my job again and seriously doubted can I do this for the rest of my life, I tried to think of things that I liked doing with my job and one thing came up, teaching/helping employees. I’m not a very patient guy but when it comes to teaching someone I have an unlimited amount and never get angry and to see someone actually learn something of importance was an awesome feeling. With support from my family and friends I applied for university to obtain a bachelors degree in education.

When I received an e-mail saying congratulations as they have accepted me I was shocked, I didn’t think I would get in but here I was thinking I’m too old to change careers now about to jump back into school and start again.

I haven’t officially started yet but I have gone for orientation and I’m really happy I took this step, I had worries at first (mainly financial stuff) but the government does help a bit and I’ll get a casual job in the meantime to cover other costs. I will write more as I go through Uni life as a mature aged student and give an insight to others that might be thinking the same thing.

My quick advice for now would be it’s never too late to change career and aim for something you enjoy doing, don’t stay unhappy in a job you don’t like not only will it bring you down but it hurts everyone else around you too.

Finding the one

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Everyone talks about it and now where ever i look people are in relationships. I’m at that age where this is exactly what i want, iv’e had enough of the games and going to night clubs. My heads on straight, I’m mature, i have a career and i can be funny at times haha.

The problem is where are all the nice women that want to settle down? they are not in pubs/clubs, and in nice bars it’s just couples. I don’t see any come into work, where are they hiding?

I thought to myself maybe they are busy with there careers and are in the online dating scene. Boy was i wrong, it’s either fake accounts or they just won’t respond to you because they assume you are on there just for sex. I can’t win all i ask for is a conversation, 1 chance to get to know me and so i can get to know you and if you’re not interested than fine at least there’s no regrets and also if you’re not interested than say so other than leaving me hanging not knowing. Anyway that’s enough about online rubbish. I hope one day soon i meet someone that wants to settle down and really wants to get to know me as much as i want to get to know them on a more deeper meaningful level.

Doubts

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Doubts will destroy you and make you question everything, This is happening to me right now. I thought I had found the job for me, something that each day I’m happy to go into work and get things done. My first doubt came in when 3 weeks into the job HR came in with the boss to have a word to me and list things that I should be doing which I thought ok no problem I’ll address them and get on top of it which I did and was feeling good again. But it wasn’t to last, just yesterday it was another similar meeting with even more points and questioning everything I do from as little as not emptying out the bosses bin in his office. And then the big question, am I out of my depths? followed by it doesn’t look like it’s working out. I wish I had an answer, is just over a month long enough for me to be on top of everything? am I just stupid? am I not meant to be a manager? am I not meant to be happy? what should I do? am I seriously that useless? where do I stand?

So many questions and I have no answers and I don’t know where to even get these answers from. I’m stuck.

The passing of a loved one.

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The loss of a family member is hard and is even worse when it’s so unexpected. I lost my grandmother on my mothers side and to see your mum cry and break down is the most painful thing to see in your life. I wanted to see her for the last time and unfortunately she had been gone for a few hours so when I saw her she was all white with no colour in her face at all. To me it wasn’t her, I don’t know what I was looking at but it wasn’t her or who I remembered which to me was a relief because I didn’t want all the good times and memories to be hindered by her last moment. I didn’t cry that day even though others did I didn’t know what to think really, mainly I was just blocking it out of my mind. Then came the funeral, I was strong through most of it until a song and a montage of her and to top it off seeing your mum break down i couldn’t hold it back anymore, my lips were bleeding from me biting down on them so hard. I tried to stay strong for everyone but it was inevitable. It was a beautiful send off for someone so fantastic with such a great personality and kindness.

To me physically she is gone but she is still around, I know alot of people don’t believe it but i know somehow she is still there.

Peace….Is it possible?

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What’s the dream that every beauty contestant wants? That’s world peace, but will it ever happen?

Unfortunately i don’t see it ever happening, well at least in our lifetime and the next several generations. Each new generation is raised with the same ideals as there parents and in some cases this means hate towards other people, weather its race, gender or religion. Big companies are to blame as well, every year these companies need to achieve a larger profit then the previous year and they will do anything to achieve that. War is money, until we can acknowledge that a human life is priceless and not just a number we will never get peace.

Greed is also the enemy. Its a normal feeling but damages people and countries when it goes too far. Our politicians in every country should focus more on the people but sadly that isn’t the case it gets corrupted very easily, and what causes this corruption? Money! something that we made to be worth something, you don’t have money in the bank any more it’s just some digits on a computer that states your worth.

Greed and hatred is far too strong and easy to get swept up in, the rich look down on the poor and the poor see nothing but hatred for the rich. I cannot see this changing and i cant see any of the power struggles or fights between countries and religions ending any time soon. I know i’m sounding a bit depressing but im trying to be realistic and this is how i see the world now and forever in the future unless a new generation is raised differently in fairer environment with the rights that everyone deserves.

Please feel free to leave a comment and thank you for reading 🙂

Don’t end it all

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I’m sure from the title you know what I’m talking about, Some say its the easy way out or they are being selfish. To get to a point in your mind where you think everyone around you would be better off without you not around or that you don’t deserve to live. All of this is not true of course but let me tell you a story:

A few years back i was coming into work early in the morning, it was partly cloudy with the sun peaking through as it was rising from the horizon, it was very warm with a mildly warm breeze. Now where i park is just a normal car park for anyone  but its right next to our work and also the door for us to come in and out of when the shop is closed.

As i pulled up there was a car already there facing outwards with a sunshade up, didn’t think much of it, the window was down slightly on the drivers side and a man was in there which looked like he was sleeping, again i wasn’t suspicious as he had fluro work gear on and it just looked like he was taking a nap before the other guys got there to start work. I could see his stomach going up and down and now and again id see a bit of movement so i thought he is fine.

Couple hours has passed and even with us banging the door closed while we were letting other staff in before we opened he didn’t wake up. Before i knew it security was around there and on the phone to the paramedics, security had been yelling and shaking him to wake up but no response. When paramedics and police got there they pulled him out of the car and lay him on the ground in-between mine and his car ( there was a large gap because he hadn’t parked in the spot properly and was taking up 2 spots) They put up a cover around him so no one else could see ( we were parked up against the wall of our building so they only put it up to cover the road and other parks) They began working on him but to no avail. His lifeless body laid there on the ground for an hour or more as they were  waiting for someone to come and collect his body ( I can’t remember exactly who)

Later on the police came in to tell us that he had left a note in the car saying that he was taking his own life. He had left behind a wife and 2 kids, It was a suicide by tablet overdose of some kind. They said even when we saw him most likely he was already beyond being saved and the movements we saw was his body shutting down, But it still makes me think what if i did just try and wake the guy up and then i would have noticed something was wrong and maybe paramedics could have saved him and his wife would still have a husband and his kids would still have a dad. But the only image I’m left with is a man sprawled out on the ground completely lifeless and bubbling from the mouth.

Suicide is never the answer it doesn’t just effect family and friends but also to the ones who witnessed it and also the emergency services. Please talk to someone.

Don’t believe everything you read and hear

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What made us the dominant species of this planet? Well one part of it would be the growth of our mind and what made that grow was curiosity and questioning everything we see. Without that we wouldn’t have discovered other countries or also know how small we are compared to the entire universe.

Now what am i getting at? Well now everyone has stopped thinking and questioning things, you believe what you read or see. The internet is to blame for alot of it and also certain news stations as well, don’t just join the flock think for yourself, but in saying that please use common sense. Research on where you are getting your information from and remember there is always 2 sides to a story don’t judge straight away and always have questions, its the best way to learn.

Friends Important?

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How important is friendship? And not just friends that you talk to i mean the deep meaningful friendship where you know they will be there for you no matter what.

Here is my story about an incident not long ago that really changed my thinking.

To have a best friend is great but to not hear from one in so long it makes you think are they still thinking about you like you are of them? or is it just another end to a great friendship.

I had a private number call me and i missed the call but a voice to text message was left and just from what it said i had a feeling who it was, then i could hear the voice message and i was almost positive i knew who it was. I did some tracking due to certain incidents so i couldn’t contact them very easily. I was able to contact them and i asked the question and guess what, i was right. To be re-connected with such a friend felt so good that words cannot describe it.

We began talking and that’s when i really found out they thought about me all the time also and hadn’t forgotten or moved on. The feeling of knowing someone else cares about you as much as you do them is true happiness. For this person i would do anything for them and that’s why i kept my distance out of respect (i won’t go into details on this) It was painful to do but i felt it was the right thing to do at the time and it was all my fault and to hear them apoligise to me threw me back and really made me realise what a true friend really is. I do hope one day in the future things will change and we can go back to normal but in the time being im filled with hope and so much happiness knowing they are there thinking of me as much as i do for them.

I feel friends in a way are more important then family, as they say you cant choose your family but you can with friends. Make the most of it, make true friends 🙂

very recent dream that may have a meaning

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I was under a veranda or some shelter at the beginning of the dream. It got dark and began to rain very heavily, hail stones began to fall, people were running for cover. The hailstones got larger and larger but no one was getting hit, it soon stopped and as i looked out i could see a dark forest. The clouds began to separate,the sun came out but the forest stayed dark and then beyond the forest standing tall in the sunlight was a huge mountain. Something that was once shrouded in dark clouds is now visible. The sun was shining on it showing the most amazing waterfalls running off of it. It was so big i’m amazed the clouds hid it so well. I reached for my phone to take a picture but the clouds came back covering it and all was left was a dark forest and the outline of a shadowed mountain that came to life for just a minute before being covered by the darkness again.

I truly wish i could draw what i saw but my artistic skill are very  much below par. I can remember it so clearly but i don’t know if it has any meaning or not.