Category Archives: addiction

Anger

16 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anger, angry, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, emotion, emotions, hatred

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The one emotion i haven’t talked about and its something everyone gets, some worse than others. My anger wasn’t normal, i feel as though it was to do with my anxieties and depression that would set it off and make it worse. I would lose it over such little things and then instant regret straight after.

Most people have something called the fight or flight response. This triggers when you are in danger and you will either fight or flee. Mine would occur over anything resulting in anxiety attacks over anything but then in real dangers i didn’t care i’d stay and fight. I had no issues with being inflicted with any kinds of injuries in fact i would have welcomed it. This turned into just being in an angry lifeless mood all the time, just reading something would anger me even though there is nothing i could do i couldn’t shake this anger. Even seeing people just being rude would set me off, all i could think about was bashing them up no matter if it was a gang or someone ten times bigger then me.

It’s not healthy to just find the small things that make you angry, you have to find the positives, even when you think there isn’t any, trust me there is you just got to look harder weather it’s within yourself or somewhere different just don’t stop looking you will find it.

Money, isn’t it wonderful?

03 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by in addiction, battle, beliefs, black, cash, change, dark, friends, friendship, future, gains, hope, money, moral, morals, obsession, poison, profit, rich

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Money, we all need it, it’s a bit of paper with numbers on it displaying an amount or little metal pieces.

What would you do to get money?  live in misery to be rich? destroy other humans lives to become wealthy? all these have been done on numerous occasions. Money is even stronger than someones beliefs. A cardinal in Vatican city in control of the money for the poor used it for himself to build a new kitchen and travel business class everywhere. It’s amazing how money can change people so much to even go against their own beliefs and morals. To destroy other peoples lives so you can make a bigger profit, Money is a poison but its a poison we need, Just stay true to yourself and follow your moral compass, we were not meant to hurt or destroy other people. Why sell your soul and surround yourself with fakes instead of friends. Just don’t forget who you are and what’s your beliefs but most importantly don’t forget who you were.

Just a rough poem/lyrics i put together, hope you enjoy it.

15 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, depressed, depression, emotion, feelings, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, lyrics, mental health, poem, poetry, songs

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I’m trapped, slipping down the hole, no way out for me, I wish I had control but its already written down you see. My fate, seems unclear from here, give me some guidance, give me the wheel to steer. My vision is all blurred my senses see just fear, still falling down the hole can someone get me out of here.

still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

These wounds will never heal, they’re deeper then my soul, just get me away from here. I’m reaching out for help and all I see is beer……………. drinking beers  ,gimme  pills, I need to fill this hole give me more more more  alcohol, fuck these feelings I need to numb it, this shit works but ive over done it, laying here not knowing where I am a years gone by but then…….

I’m still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

From out of no where I suddenly stop to fall. have I been caught, or is it just another stall. My senses are coming back, are you really helping me? I feel you are my light breaking me free. I’m filled with hope, I know I can go on, im stronger now, but I couldn’t do it alone.

The workforce, Good and the bad!

09 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, career, depressed, depression, down, dream, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, inspiration, job, jobs, life

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Everyone has one, some love it and others hate it. A job is needed to earn money (obviously) but do you really want to spend alot of your life doing something you hate?

Iv’e gone through my school years never knowing what i wanted to do so i never went to University and ended up as a manager in retail just because it was offered to me. This is the job that really magnified my anxiety and depression. I never liked going into work and the money wasn’t worth the hours either. The worst part was the customers, you really see the worst in people, iv’e had things thrown at me and every insult you could think of. It really makes you hate people and lose faith in how people treat you.

I finally left that job and started one i enjoyed but still in retail and a manager. Customers were great, as i dealt with more trade people and they were all just so much more friendlier. But this time i started to lose my ambition because of who i worked with until finally i lost my job just before Christmas. I’m now jobless and have applied for many positions but still have been unsuccessful even with my experience.

It’s amazing how a job can control so many of your emotions and can make you feel trapped in a world of just work. Step back, open your eyes and see it’s just a job, you have family and friends, so enjoy those times more then anything.

Life is like a roller coaster?

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, illness, life, mental health, war

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Everyone has heard the saying that life is like a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. But what does it feel like to have depression?

Well for me and I’m sure others will agree if we use the concept of ups and downs i always preferred feeling down,  it was comfortable but i didn’t think it could get any worse. When i was feeling up or something good was happening i was very sceptical and hated it because i knew something bad was coming to knock me back down again which just makes you feel worse so i would stay feeling low and never raise my expectations or get excited so i never had to feel any disappointment. Without fail if i was feeling good i would be struck down and i’d feel like there was no point as i wouldn’t feel happy for long so it was just easier to stay down and this feeling is so hard to break as it can appear at any time and i still struggle with it big time. It’s like a dark shadow or dark voice in your head that out of nowhere just reminds you why you should always feel down and brings back the memories and feelings just to knock you down further. I don’t know if this can ever be beaten, you just have to continue to fight it but i get tired and just let it consume me as its easier to feel down constantly and you suffer from no disappointments as well.

Everyone says its like a battle but i see it more like a war, you may lose some battles but stay strong because you haven’t lost the war.

Are relapses ok?

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, down, drugs, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, mental health, relapse, xanax

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First off i don’t have an answer for this you can make up your own minds. I am human after all i have gone back to my old ways several times but just recently the feeling was too strong to resist, My mind wanted it and my body needed it. I think losing my job and getting rejection letters for other jobs iv’e applied for is actually getting to me, i grabbed the bottle of rum and washed down several pills, i felt nothing for a while and was a bit disappointed but there it was the feeling of complete relaxation and the slowed down thoughts of not caring about anything, oh how i had missed it, i slept in such a deep sleep you could have punched me and i wouldn’t have woken up. The following day i still had the effects and was pretty much comatose.

Its always there, that voice saying to just do it, it feels great i have nothing to lose. Most of the time i can ignore it and move on but my will is not always strong and i cave in to the voice. Strong on the outside but weak on the inside is how i felt. Right now im balancing on a ledge looking down into a dark deep hole and inside that hole is a voice saying “come on in everything will be fine” What’s holding me back from jumping in? im not sure but iv’e been dipping my feet in and living on the edge of this hole, its very easy to lose your balance so how long can i balance for?

Who are you?

08 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, anxiety, depression, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, life, poetry, questions

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Who are you? sit down and ponder that for a while. Is the you that you’re showing to others the real you? how many versions of you is there? do you go out with friends and be the life of the party and aim to make others laugh but then at home you are quiet and withdrawn, which version is the real you? is it both? is it none? are you just chasing approval or wanting to please everyone other then yourself?

I ask myself the same question often. Why do i care about pleasing everyone or there opinion of me. Its impossible to please everyone in the same way not everyone likes the same sporting team or the same music, this is what makes the world work and creates new things from music to movies. With saying that it also creates groups and fan clubs. It also relates to personalities, not everyone will like yours but you will find that special group or fan club that love it, thats when you find true friendship, the moment you can be yourself and feel relaxed, no need to be careful what you say or what you do. You cannot have everyone like you so why try? just be you and have the real fans around you.

Do we control our mind or do our minds control us? Just remember the way i see red will be different to the way you see red.