Category Archives: health & wellness

Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t

02 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by in anger, answers, anxiety, blue, dark, depressed, depression, doctor, down, drugs, emotion, emotions, feelings, health & wellness, health and wellness, humanity, mental health, Uncategorized

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Have you ever dreaded when things are going well, just knowing that any minute now things will come crashing down like a roller coaster? Do you ever think it’s better being on the bottom of the roller coaster because your mind says it can’t get any worse but it usually does? i have and i believe many others do too. For this i have no answer to solving this dilemma and it’s not as easy as someone saying ‘just think positive thoughts and be happy with what you have’

With referring to my title i’m talking about medication. My doctor has put me onto something new, it’s been a few months and i don’t know if it’s working or not or if the original ones were maybe better. I’m going through a rough patch but is this rough patch exasperated by these meds that aren’t working properly? when is the feeling of anxiety normal? should i still be feeling it but not as bad or should it be stronger but just not as often? So many questions with no answers, maybe i should have stayed on the original medication? ‘Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t’

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Pondering Questions For All

04 Tuesday Jul 2017

Posted by in anxiety, depression, emotion, emotions, feelings, health & wellness, health and wellness, Uncategorized

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Where do i stand, how does my mind work? Life is really like a roller coaster, I don’t think there is any way you could just stay stable. As soon as you feel on top and happy you know a downfall of some sort is just around the corner, so when you are down and feel you couldn’t get any lower at least you can think that something good is bound to happen to pick you back up. Or does it? was there a bunch of small positives throughout feeling down that i missed as my attention was solely on negative things? Am i selfish for wanting to have what others have that would make me happy? what are real feelings and how often do normal people feel down or anxious? These are things i think about almost daily. They are all real emotions that everyone feels but when is feeling anxious considered normal? and in what ways should it effect you? Considering i’m on medication i think about it a lot as i’m unsure when is my anxiety normal or if it’s abnormal. So i guess in the end i don’t know what’s considered to be a proper feeling and when feeling anxious or down is normal.

Just something to ponder for people feeling the same way or even for people that might have family and friends suffering from these mental conditions too.

My progress thus far

23 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in anxiety, change, depressed, depression, doubt, down, dream, dreaming, dreams, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, hopeless, humanity, humans, My anxiety and depression story, Uncategorized

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It’s been a really long time since the last time iv’e posted. I really need to be in the right mindset as i don’t want to post rubbish plus i’m a busy lad. Iv’e completed my first year at university with very minor issues and a feeling of accomplishment in a long time.

Things around me seem to be moving fast and you get that feeling of being left behind. Iv’e had numerous dreams that point this out from friends leaving me behind to me being lost and needing to say something to someone but they are never there. I do admit i have a fear of being left behind and not sure how to deal with it. I’ll either disappear or cling on too tightly making them disappear, it’s a tough cycle.

Iv’e always thought is there a cure to mental illness and i really don’t think there is, it’s all a balancing act and managing it. For me it feels like i’m standing in the middle of a seesaw balancing, one side is extreme happiness the other is severe depression, the whole time i’m trying to stay level and balanced as if i lean too much towards extreme happiness for me all i think about is how long is this going to last till something bad happens knocking me heavily in the opposite direction. Talking is key but it’s extremely difficult because it’s so hard to put into words and others who haven’t gone through it will struggle to understand.

I think the older i get the more i realise and can get a grasp on it early but there is that one thing hiding in the back of your mind all the time filling you with ‘what if’s’ and every ‘what if’ is very negative. Everyone wants happiness but i think balance is the key, same goes for a relationship, a balance of independence and sharing with that person is what works so why not within yourself? why fall when you can stay level? Obviously this is easier said then done and i’m still figuring it out myself but i hope that might help you think more deeply about yourself and how you portray the inner you.

Just a rough poem/lyrics i put together, hope you enjoy it.

15 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, depressed, depression, emotion, feelings, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, lyrics, mental health, poem, poetry, songs

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I’m trapped, slipping down the hole, no way out for me, I wish I had control but its already written down you see. My fate, seems unclear from here, give me some guidance, give me the wheel to steer. My vision is all blurred my senses see just fear, still falling down the hole can someone get me out of here.

still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

These wounds will never heal, they’re deeper then my soul, just get me away from here. I’m reaching out for help and all I see is beer……………. drinking beers  ,gimme  pills, I need to fill this hole give me more more more  alcohol, fuck these feelings I need to numb it, this shit works but ive over done it, laying here not knowing where I am a years gone by but then…….

I’m still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

From out of no where I suddenly stop to fall. have I been caught, or is it just another stall. My senses are coming back, are you really helping me? I feel you are my light breaking me free. I’m filled with hope, I know I can go on, im stronger now, but I couldn’t do it alone.

The workforce, Good and the bad!

09 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, career, depressed, depression, down, dream, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, inspiration, job, jobs, life

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Everyone has one, some love it and others hate it. A job is needed to earn money (obviously) but do you really want to spend alot of your life doing something you hate?

Iv’e gone through my school years never knowing what i wanted to do so i never went to University and ended up as a manager in retail just because it was offered to me. This is the job that really magnified my anxiety and depression. I never liked going into work and the money wasn’t worth the hours either. The worst part was the customers, you really see the worst in people, iv’e had things thrown at me and every insult you could think of. It really makes you hate people and lose faith in how people treat you.

I finally left that job and started one i enjoyed but still in retail and a manager. Customers were great, as i dealt with more trade people and they were all just so much more friendlier. But this time i started to lose my ambition because of who i worked with until finally i lost my job just before Christmas. I’m now jobless and have applied for many positions but still have been unsuccessful even with my experience.

It’s amazing how a job can control so many of your emotions and can make you feel trapped in a world of just work. Step back, open your eyes and see it’s just a job, you have family and friends, so enjoy those times more then anything.

The power of music

02 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in accident, anxiety, battle, crash, depression, family, fear, friends, friendship, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, music, songs, sound, tune

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Something that we cant really see or touch can have the biggest effect on our minds and even change our moods. Music can bring back memories that were once forgotten and not to mention how on earth do we remember all the lyrics but cant remember that one answer during a test that you studied hours for haha.

Music has a very deep power over people, the right choice of music can change a movie scene completely either making you feel deeply saddened or happy. If you hear that sound or song again you will remember that sad feeling you had and that scene will come back to you.

For example there is one time that i dont like to talk about it but ill bring it up because its a perfect example of how it can hurt you aswell. Quite a few years ago now i was involved in a large car crash with my family when a cement truck ran a stop sign, we hit it so hard that it tipped the truck over. Now because of music i remember every small detail and even smell from this accident. I was listening to one of my favourite bands’s new album (which now certain songs on that i cant listen to) My dad was driving and my little brother was in the front because he used to get car sick and me and mum were in the back, anyway all of a sudden we started braking hard BANG i was thrown forward then there was a black out moment as i opened my eyes it was dead quiet and no one was moving, there was smoke ( which was from the airbags) but i thought it was from a fire or something all the while one song was stuck on replay going over and over but it sounded so distant. This is the most painful part that i will never forget, i was so scared of either seeing my family injured or possibly dead that i ran out of the car in total fear leaving my family to die for all i knew. Luckily we all survived and mum got the worst injury with a fractured sternum and i just received some pretty bad whiplash.

So because of this song i can remember this accident so clearly and in such great detail and i have to live with that thought of me not helping my family when they could have been dead or badly injured and since then i swore to myself ill always put them and my friends safety before my own.

So thats music for you, it can be a curse but i couldn’t live without it, from the sad songs to the happy songs i love it all. So get out there and experience new tunes you never know you might find a new favourite.

Life is like a roller coaster?

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, illness, life, mental health, war

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Everyone has heard the saying that life is like a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. But what does it feel like to have depression?

Well for me and I’m sure others will agree if we use the concept of ups and downs i always preferred feeling down,  it was comfortable but i didn’t think it could get any worse. When i was feeling up or something good was happening i was very sceptical and hated it because i knew something bad was coming to knock me back down again which just makes you feel worse so i would stay feeling low and never raise my expectations or get excited so i never had to feel any disappointment. Without fail if i was feeling good i would be struck down and i’d feel like there was no point as i wouldn’t feel happy for long so it was just easier to stay down and this feeling is so hard to break as it can appear at any time and i still struggle with it big time. It’s like a dark shadow or dark voice in your head that out of nowhere just reminds you why you should always feel down and brings back the memories and feelings just to knock you down further. I don’t know if this can ever be beaten, you just have to continue to fight it but i get tired and just let it consume me as its easier to feel down constantly and you suffer from no disappointments as well.

Everyone says its like a battle but i see it more like a war, you may lose some battles but stay strong because you haven’t lost the war.

Do dreams really come true?

24 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, brain, deja vu, depressed, depression, down, dream, dreams, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, illness, life

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I dont know if you are like me but i day dream alot and i get really caught up in it that actually brings out emotion. Its really odd, if i thought about it for a bit i’d know there is no way it would come true but i get so caught up in it that i believe there is a chance which then changes to almost a certainty and it increases my hopes. This then just leads to a sudden drop when i realise it wont ever happen and it feels horrible its like im just torturing myself for no reason. Most people may set realistic dreams and they achieve them but mine must be way beyond that, when i hear people say work hard and you will achieve your dreams, how can this be possible? not everyone can get there dreams the world doesn’t work like that, you may achieve several goals but dreams are meant to be big like being a race car driver or an actor/actress with this in mind i still daydream and get caught up in it, and believe it will happen again and again, torture.

Another small mention to actual dreams you have when you sleep, this will sound weird but on several occasions iv’e had deja vu moments where i could be in a scenario and something clicks in my head or like a brain shudder and i remember a dream of the exact moment im in and i can almost predict what will happen. Its never been anything big its usually a place or just a comment and it doesn’t occur very often but its definitely an odd feeling.

Are relapses ok?

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, down, drugs, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, mental health, relapse, xanax

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First off i don’t have an answer for this you can make up your own minds. I am human after all i have gone back to my old ways several times but just recently the feeling was too strong to resist, My mind wanted it and my body needed it. I think losing my job and getting rejection letters for other jobs iv’e applied for is actually getting to me, i grabbed the bottle of rum and washed down several pills, i felt nothing for a while and was a bit disappointed but there it was the feeling of complete relaxation and the slowed down thoughts of not caring about anything, oh how i had missed it, i slept in such a deep sleep you could have punched me and i wouldn’t have woken up. The following day i still had the effects and was pretty much comatose.

Its always there, that voice saying to just do it, it feels great i have nothing to lose. Most of the time i can ignore it and move on but my will is not always strong and i cave in to the voice. Strong on the outside but weak on the inside is how i felt. Right now im balancing on a ledge looking down into a dark deep hole and inside that hole is a voice saying “come on in everything will be fine” What’s holding me back from jumping in? im not sure but iv’e been dipping my feet in and living on the edge of this hole, its very easy to lose your balance so how long can i balance for?

The black sheep

17 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, dream, dreams, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, inspiration, inspire, life, mental health, outcast, resolution, sheep

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Have you ever felt like you dont fit in? or you’re the odd one out?

I have many times and i believe its linked together with depression. From not fitting in with conversations and being on the outside and un-noticed in friends circles at parties or pubs/clubs. To overcome this i tried to be more noisy and stand-out, This felt like it worked and i wasn’t the odd one out anymore but when i was down and i looked back at these instances it was all false i was the black sheep. I didn’t fit in, i missed out on the inside jokes and when i messaged to see whats going on, i’d find out they are already doing something so i gave up and everything went quiet. This made everything worse as i would see them having fun in photos and i would resent them, instead of doing something about it i would just wallow in self pity but i couldn’t snap out of it the depression was just feeding off this.

It took a while to come around (remember true friends stick by you through thick and thin) but im slowly getting there but i still believe i am the black sheep but now i see it as a positive instead of a negative. I’m no longer a follower, if i don’t like it then i won’t do it even if everybody does it. I will stand up for myself even when others see it as wrong, I love a good debate and arguement. I will not just follow because the majority does i am the minority, i am the black sheep.