Category Archives: My anxiety and depression story

My progress thus far

23 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in anxiety, change, depressed, depression, doubt, down, dream, dreaming, dreams, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, hopeless, humanity, humans, My anxiety and depression story, Uncategorized

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It’s been a really long time since the last time iv’e posted. I really need to be in the right mindset as i don’t want to post rubbish plus i’m a busy lad. Iv’e completed my first year at university with very minor issues and a feeling of accomplishment in a long time.

Things around me seem to be moving fast and you get that feeling of being left behind. Iv’e had numerous dreams that point this out from friends leaving me behind to me being lost and needing to say something to someone but they are never there. I do admit i have a fear of being left behind and not sure how to deal with it. I’ll either disappear or cling on too tightly making them disappear, it’s a tough cycle.

Iv’e always thought is there a cure to mental illness and i really don’t think there is, it’s all a balancing act and managing it. For me it feels like i’m standing in the middle of a seesaw balancing, one side is extreme happiness the other is severe depression, the whole time i’m trying to stay level and balanced as if i lean too much towards extreme happiness for me all i think about is how long is this going to last till something bad happens knocking me heavily in the opposite direction. Talking is key but it’s extremely difficult because it’s so hard to put into words and others who haven’t gone through it will struggle to understand.

I think the older i get the more i realise and can get a grasp on it early but there is that one thing hiding in the back of your mind all the time filling you with ‘what if’s’ and every ‘what if’ is very negative. Everyone wants happiness but i think balance is the key, same goes for a relationship, a balance of independence and sharing with that person is what works so why not within yourself? why fall when you can stay level? Obviously this is easier said then done and i’m still figuring it out myself but i hope that might help you think more deeply about yourself and how you portray the inner you.

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Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 6

13 Tuesday Jan 2015

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Withdrawal symptoms, The one thing i thought id never have to worry about. I never really thought xanax would do this but i was wrong and boy is it hard to stop especially cold turkey. The right way to do it is to see your local GP first and most likely he or she will help you slowly get off of them and cut back your intake to a safe level to stop.

What happens if you stop immediately you ask? Its hell, plain and simple, it took me a few goes to stop and have it under control and when i ran out i couldn’t get my hands on them it was a nightmare, hot and cold flushes, feeling sick, constant panic attacks and migraines is just a small sample of the things i went through and it didn’t just last a week it took a good month for it to start to settle. My nerves were shot i had no control of my hands they would constantly shake and i felt confined or trapped its hard to describe but it felt as though everything was pushing in around me and i couldn’t think straight all i needed was a xanax and then i knew i would be ok and things would be clear again.

I wish i had gone to the doctors for help to get off of it as it would have been so much better and safer, i consider myself lucky to have the will and strength to stop and rise up from this but i realised something, im not alone, there is many people out there going through the same thing and alot of people out there to help you deal with it. So remember to just talk about it, its a huge relief to do it and seek help. You are not alone 🙂

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 5

06 Tuesday Jan 2015

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Alcohol, majority of people drink it and most just drink it socially. Others have an addiction and drink it non stop everyday. Me on the other hand i used it more as a tool for greater impact with the xanax.

It started one day when the house was empty i took a xanax ready for bed and decided to try some bacardi 151 shots (for people that dont know its a very strong alcoholic rum) I did 2 shots and within 10-15mins (estimation) my body felt numb, everything slowed down, i could barely feel any pain at all. You also feel very tired at the same time and this is when you get dumb ideas and i thought id see how hard i could bash my head against the door (its ok you can laugh)

The next morning my head did hurt for obvious reasons but i felt fine, i couldn’t remember too much but i knew i liked the feeling. This of course led to more alcohol and xanax mixing and sometimes just alcohol for example in the morning with my coffee id put some whiskey in it.

Taking a xanax on its own had no effect anymore and it felt like i needed those few shots of scotch or rum to speed up the process and with that id take less of the pills which means they would last longer. I continued this path and didn’t see any reason to stop. The problem was that i felt so low i couldnt see things getting any worse and this gave me comfort because i knew once things were looking up for me something will soon come around the corner and knock me all the way back down again.

Feeling low and numb was great because i knew nothing could hurt me……. until i ran out of xanax.

In the final part ill go into detail on why stopping cold turkey with xanax is bad and why you should go to a doctor. Thanks for reading.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 4

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

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Dianabol. For those not sure what it is its a steroid that comes in tablet form to take orally instead of injections. I got my hands on some to do a cycle of just over a month at a low dosage of about 30mg a day. These can come with side effects but all i noticed was a huge increase in energy, massive increase in sex drive and my appetite had come back. i was hitting the gym harder and putting on the weight, I was feeling invincible but no other emotions. I never worried about anything, i was always pumped and ready to get into a fight if i needed to, even if it was 20 people i felt like i could beat them all.

Every night id take a xanax to sleep and sometimes another in the morning. Most weekends id head out to pick up women because i felt so emotionally dead that i didn’t care about the outcome and because of this it gave off false confidence which did actually work ( this is not the secret to picking up women haha) Once i had finished my cycle of dianabols i did drop a couple kg’s off due to water retention but i still felt dead and numb i was going through each day like a blur not caring if i didn’t wake up the next day.

Disaster hit one day when i had run out of xanax and this was the moment i knew i was addicted to them. The withdrawal symptoms were terrible. Migraines, body aching, constant anxiety attacks for no reason and nausea. At the time i was on 0.5mg of xanax but i was taking more like 1mg, This is when i got my hands on a new bottle of 2mg xanax tablets. when i took one of the 2mg pills the feeling was fantastic everything went away, time slowed down and so did my brain. id sleep all night and most of the day as the feeling lasted alot longer, this felt way better then having none and going through the withdrawal process again.

I had plenty of pills again my emotions were still dead i didn’t know what was really me and what was the drug talking so in a way i lost touch with who i was and this led to something else….. Alcohol.

Thanks for reading everyone my next will go into my new addiction with alcohol this one may take me a bit longer to write as alot of it was a blur but please stick with it ill have it out as soon as i can 🙂

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 3

26 Friday Dec 2014

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Finding a doctor that takes this seriously is half the battle. As mentioned in my previous post i had hurt my back badly, this got to a point that i went to the doctors and he gave me diazepam (which is like xanax) and some pain killers. Again these did not help in the long run.

My back was on and off with pain now and i was being ignorant and not getting it looked at properly. I turned my attention back to my anxiety by finding a better doctor who takes it seriously, He drew up a mental plan and we began with some drugs to help me out. This point i was put onto the popular one Zoloft, and for bad episodes i was given xanax. I was also given epilim but wasn’t keen in taking them as well with everything else.

The zoloft came with side effects, within a week of being on them i wasn’t really eating i felt down and every morning id wake up feeling really anxious so i was getting very little sleep. with this i was taking xanax every day and every morning id get so anxious that id throw up. After about a month of this my body started to get used to this and i was upped my dosage of Zoloft. I never felt any different and felt like it was a waste of time but i persisted.

I got a lucky break and got a new job and was feeling really happy until i did my back again resulting in me going to the hospital where a new drug became my friend. I was bed ridden, when i tried to get up and walk the pain was so bad i would feel instantly sick and since i had started a new job i had to get back ASAP. I was back to work within a week still in pain but taking strong pain killers everyday. most days were just a blur, taking codeine painkillers and xanax slowed everything down it felt like i had longer time to think but only took the slight edge off the pain. that’s when i thought i cant live with this pain forever. Feelings disappeared and i felt like an empty shell. I didn’t care about my own safety or if anything bad happened to me. After a few months my back pain wasn’t as bad and i wanted to put weight back on again but i was never hungry and still didn’t feel well and this led to a new drug…………………….

Beginning of a new drug………………….. Please follow and like my blog, in my next entry ill discuss what the next drug was and continue the downward spiral.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety Part 2

23 Tuesday Dec 2014

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My first anxiety attack happened at work and at the time i didn’t know what it was. My chest tightened up and no matter how many deep breaths i took it never felt enough, like i was not getting enough oxygen which then makes you start breathing faster and faster which just makes it worse. i really thought it was some kind of heart attack, my heart was beating so fast and my whole body began shaking. After that anxiety attack my whole body would tingle which felt very odd. This happened a few times before i found out what it really was.

Luckily for me our workplace had the free doctor check ups going and when i had mine done the lady had to do my blood pressure 3 times before she referred me to an actual doctor as it was way too high. With pressure from my mum i reluctantly went to see a doctor, He took my blood pressure as well and then asked me questions about anxiety attacks which helped me realise what i was having for the past couple months were that and not any heart problems. With that information he gave me some xanax and sent me on my way (which is not what a doctor should really do now)

Taking my first xanax felt amazing, i had never felt so relaxed and at ease, i didn’t have a care in the world and this is what i thought was a normal feeling for people everyday. At this point is when i hurt my back resulting in sciatic nerve pain which i wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

In my next chapter ill describe how important it is to find the right doctor and discuss more into the drugs i was given for my anxiety and depression and also the drugs i had for my back pain.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety Part 1

21 Sunday Dec 2014

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Hi everyone and welcome to my blog.

My name is Scott and iv’e decided to share my experiences and journey through depression and anxiety from when it all started to how im dealing with it now. I know alot of people out there are just like me and dealing with it alone. What i hope is this gives you the strength to get the help and make your way out of that dark place.

Unfortunately Depression and anxiety still has a stigma attached to it but we have come a long way with more people coming out about it and the great website beyondblue.org. But alot of people (me included) would stay silent and see it as a weakness and assume people will tell me to ‘man up’ or ‘grow up’, i never considered it to be a mental illness just something that everyone deals with until i discovered they dont. I would get anxious over anything, from going to work to just driving down to put some petrol in my car, it would get to a point where i couldn’t imagine living like this forever. Enter the depression……………….

So this is the beginning of how it began for me and i plan to go through all my steps and experiences along the way from the worst moments to the good moments and how i deal with it on a daily basis.