Tag Archives: addiction

Anger

16 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anger, angry, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, emotion, emotions, hatred

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The one emotion i haven’t talked about and its something everyone gets, some worse than others. My anger wasn’t normal, i feel as though it was to do with my anxieties and depression that would set it off and make it worse. I would lose it over such little things and then instant regret straight after.

Most people have something called the fight or flight response. This triggers when you are in danger and you will either fight or flee. Mine would occur over anything resulting in anxiety attacks over anything but then in real dangers i didn’t care i’d stay and fight. I had no issues with being inflicted with any kinds of injuries in fact i would have welcomed it. This turned into just being in an angry lifeless mood all the time, just reading something would anger me even though there is nothing i could do i couldn’t shake this anger. Even seeing people just being rude would set me off, all i could think about was bashing them up no matter if it was a gang or someone ten times bigger then me.

It’s not healthy to just find the small things that make you angry, you have to find the positives, even when you think there isn’t any, trust me there is you just got to look harder weather it’s within yourself or somewhere different just don’t stop looking you will find it.

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Money, isn’t it wonderful?

03 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by in addiction, battle, beliefs, black, cash, change, dark, friends, friendship, future, gains, hope, money, moral, morals, obsession, poison, profit, rich

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Money, we all need it, it’s a bit of paper with numbers on it displaying an amount or little metal pieces.

What would you do to get money?  live in misery to be rich? destroy other humans lives to become wealthy? all these have been done on numerous occasions. Money is even stronger than someones beliefs. A cardinal in Vatican city in control of the money for the poor used it for himself to build a new kitchen and travel business class everywhere. It’s amazing how money can change people so much to even go against their own beliefs and morals. To destroy other peoples lives so you can make a bigger profit, Money is a poison but its a poison we need, Just stay true to yourself and follow your moral compass, we were not meant to hurt or destroy other people. Why sell your soul and surround yourself with fakes instead of friends. Just don’t forget who you are and what’s your beliefs but most importantly don’t forget who you were.

Just a rough poem/lyrics i put together, hope you enjoy it.

15 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, depressed, depression, emotion, feelings, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, lyrics, mental health, poem, poetry, songs

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I’m trapped, slipping down the hole, no way out for me, I wish I had control but its already written down you see. My fate, seems unclear from here, give me some guidance, give me the wheel to steer. My vision is all blurred my senses see just fear, still falling down the hole can someone get me out of here.

still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

These wounds will never heal, they’re deeper then my soul, just get me away from here. I’m reaching out for help and all I see is beer……………. drinking beers  ,gimme  pills, I need to fill this hole give me more more more  alcohol, fuck these feelings I need to numb it, this shit works but ive over done it, laying here not knowing where I am a years gone by but then…….

I’m still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

From out of no where I suddenly stop to fall. have I been caught, or is it just another stall. My senses are coming back, are you really helping me? I feel you are my light breaking me free. I’m filled with hope, I know I can go on, im stronger now, but I couldn’t do it alone.

The power of music

02 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in accident, anxiety, battle, crash, depression, family, fear, friends, friendship, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, music, songs, sound, tune

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Something that we cant really see or touch can have the biggest effect on our minds and even change our moods. Music can bring back memories that were once forgotten and not to mention how on earth do we remember all the lyrics but cant remember that one answer during a test that you studied hours for haha.

Music has a very deep power over people, the right choice of music can change a movie scene completely either making you feel deeply saddened or happy. If you hear that sound or song again you will remember that sad feeling you had and that scene will come back to you.

For example there is one time that i dont like to talk about it but ill bring it up because its a perfect example of how it can hurt you aswell. Quite a few years ago now i was involved in a large car crash with my family when a cement truck ran a stop sign, we hit it so hard that it tipped the truck over. Now because of music i remember every small detail and even smell from this accident. I was listening to one of my favourite bands’s new album (which now certain songs on that i cant listen to) My dad was driving and my little brother was in the front because he used to get car sick and me and mum were in the back, anyway all of a sudden we started braking hard BANG i was thrown forward then there was a black out moment as i opened my eyes it was dead quiet and no one was moving, there was smoke ( which was from the airbags) but i thought it was from a fire or something all the while one song was stuck on replay going over and over but it sounded so distant. This is the most painful part that i will never forget, i was so scared of either seeing my family injured or possibly dead that i ran out of the car in total fear leaving my family to die for all i knew. Luckily we all survived and mum got the worst injury with a fractured sternum and i just received some pretty bad whiplash.

So because of this song i can remember this accident so clearly and in such great detail and i have to live with that thought of me not helping my family when they could have been dead or badly injured and since then i swore to myself ill always put them and my friends safety before my own.

So thats music for you, it can be a curse but i couldn’t live without it, from the sad songs to the happy songs i love it all. So get out there and experience new tunes you never know you might find a new favourite.

Life is like a roller coaster?

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, illness, life, mental health, war

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Everyone has heard the saying that life is like a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. But what does it feel like to have depression?

Well for me and I’m sure others will agree if we use the concept of ups and downs i always preferred feeling down,  it was comfortable but i didn’t think it could get any worse. When i was feeling up or something good was happening i was very sceptical and hated it because i knew something bad was coming to knock me back down again which just makes you feel worse so i would stay feeling low and never raise my expectations or get excited so i never had to feel any disappointment. Without fail if i was feeling good i would be struck down and i’d feel like there was no point as i wouldn’t feel happy for long so it was just easier to stay down and this feeling is so hard to break as it can appear at any time and i still struggle with it big time. It’s like a dark shadow or dark voice in your head that out of nowhere just reminds you why you should always feel down and brings back the memories and feelings just to knock you down further. I don’t know if this can ever be beaten, you just have to continue to fight it but i get tired and just let it consume me as its easier to feel down constantly and you suffer from no disappointments as well.

Everyone says its like a battle but i see it more like a war, you may lose some battles but stay strong because you haven’t lost the war.

Are relapses ok?

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, down, drugs, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, mental health, relapse, xanax

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First off i don’t have an answer for this you can make up your own minds. I am human after all i have gone back to my old ways several times but just recently the feeling was too strong to resist, My mind wanted it and my body needed it. I think losing my job and getting rejection letters for other jobs iv’e applied for is actually getting to me, i grabbed the bottle of rum and washed down several pills, i felt nothing for a while and was a bit disappointed but there it was the feeling of complete relaxation and the slowed down thoughts of not caring about anything, oh how i had missed it, i slept in such a deep sleep you could have punched me and i wouldn’t have woken up. The following day i still had the effects and was pretty much comatose.

Its always there, that voice saying to just do it, it feels great i have nothing to lose. Most of the time i can ignore it and move on but my will is not always strong and i cave in to the voice. Strong on the outside but weak on the inside is how i felt. Right now im balancing on a ledge looking down into a dark deep hole and inside that hole is a voice saying “come on in everything will be fine” What’s holding me back from jumping in? im not sure but iv’e been dipping my feet in and living on the edge of this hole, its very easy to lose your balance so how long can i balance for?

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 6

13 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Withdrawal symptoms, The one thing i thought id never have to worry about. I never really thought xanax would do this but i was wrong and boy is it hard to stop especially cold turkey. The right way to do it is to see your local GP first and most likely he or she will help you slowly get off of them and cut back your intake to a safe level to stop.

What happens if you stop immediately you ask? Its hell, plain and simple, it took me a few goes to stop and have it under control and when i ran out i couldn’t get my hands on them it was a nightmare, hot and cold flushes, feeling sick, constant panic attacks and migraines is just a small sample of the things i went through and it didn’t just last a week it took a good month for it to start to settle. My nerves were shot i had no control of my hands they would constantly shake and i felt confined or trapped its hard to describe but it felt as though everything was pushing in around me and i couldn’t think straight all i needed was a xanax and then i knew i would be ok and things would be clear again.

I wish i had gone to the doctors for help to get off of it as it would have been so much better and safer, i consider myself lucky to have the will and strength to stop and rise up from this but i realised something, im not alone, there is many people out there going through the same thing and alot of people out there to help you deal with it. So remember to just talk about it, its a huge relief to do it and seek help. You are not alone 🙂

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 5

06 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Alcohol, majority of people drink it and most just drink it socially. Others have an addiction and drink it non stop everyday. Me on the other hand i used it more as a tool for greater impact with the xanax.

It started one day when the house was empty i took a xanax ready for bed and decided to try some bacardi 151 shots (for people that dont know its a very strong alcoholic rum) I did 2 shots and within 10-15mins (estimation) my body felt numb, everything slowed down, i could barely feel any pain at all. You also feel very tired at the same time and this is when you get dumb ideas and i thought id see how hard i could bash my head against the door (its ok you can laugh)

The next morning my head did hurt for obvious reasons but i felt fine, i couldn’t remember too much but i knew i liked the feeling. This of course led to more alcohol and xanax mixing and sometimes just alcohol for example in the morning with my coffee id put some whiskey in it.

Taking a xanax on its own had no effect anymore and it felt like i needed those few shots of scotch or rum to speed up the process and with that id take less of the pills which means they would last longer. I continued this path and didn’t see any reason to stop. The problem was that i felt so low i couldnt see things getting any worse and this gave me comfort because i knew once things were looking up for me something will soon come around the corner and knock me all the way back down again.

Feeling low and numb was great because i knew nothing could hurt me……. until i ran out of xanax.

In the final part ill go into detail on why stopping cold turkey with xanax is bad and why you should go to a doctor. Thanks for reading.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 4

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Dianabol. For those not sure what it is its a steroid that comes in tablet form to take orally instead of injections. I got my hands on some to do a cycle of just over a month at a low dosage of about 30mg a day. These can come with side effects but all i noticed was a huge increase in energy, massive increase in sex drive and my appetite had come back. i was hitting the gym harder and putting on the weight, I was feeling invincible but no other emotions. I never worried about anything, i was always pumped and ready to get into a fight if i needed to, even if it was 20 people i felt like i could beat them all.

Every night id take a xanax to sleep and sometimes another in the morning. Most weekends id head out to pick up women because i felt so emotionally dead that i didn’t care about the outcome and because of this it gave off false confidence which did actually work ( this is not the secret to picking up women haha) Once i had finished my cycle of dianabols i did drop a couple kg’s off due to water retention but i still felt dead and numb i was going through each day like a blur not caring if i didn’t wake up the next day.

Disaster hit one day when i had run out of xanax and this was the moment i knew i was addicted to them. The withdrawal symptoms were terrible. Migraines, body aching, constant anxiety attacks for no reason and nausea. At the time i was on 0.5mg of xanax but i was taking more like 1mg, This is when i got my hands on a new bottle of 2mg xanax tablets. when i took one of the 2mg pills the feeling was fantastic everything went away, time slowed down and so did my brain. id sleep all night and most of the day as the feeling lasted alot longer, this felt way better then having none and going through the withdrawal process again.

I had plenty of pills again my emotions were still dead i didn’t know what was really me and what was the drug talking so in a way i lost touch with who i was and this led to something else….. Alcohol.

Thanks for reading everyone my next will go into my new addiction with alcohol this one may take me a bit longer to write as alot of it was a blur but please stick with it ill have it out as soon as i can 🙂