Tag Archives: alone

Finding the one

22 Saturday Aug 2015

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Everyone talks about it and now where ever i look people are in relationships. I’m at that age where this is exactly what i want, iv’e had enough of the games and going to night clubs. My heads on straight, I’m mature, i have a career and i can be funny at times haha.

The problem is where are all the nice women that want to settle down? they are not in pubs/clubs, and in nice bars it’s just couples. I don’t see any come into work, where are they hiding?

I thought to myself maybe they are busy with there careers and are in the online dating scene. Boy was i wrong, it’s either fake accounts or they just won’t respond to you because they assume you are on there just for sex. I can’t win all i ask for is a conversation, 1 chance to get to know me and so i can get to know you and if you’re not interested than fine at least there’s no regrets and also if you’re not interested than say so other than leaving me hanging not knowing. Anyway that’s enough about online rubbish. I hope one day soon i meet someone that wants to settle down and really wants to get to know me as much as i want to get to know them on a more deeper meaningful level.

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Don’t believe everything you read and hear

12 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by in alone, answers, change, learn, news, question, questions, research, seek, truth

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What made us the dominant species of this planet? Well one part of it would be the growth of our mind and what made that grow was curiosity and questioning everything we see. Without that we wouldn’t have discovered other countries or also know how small we are compared to the entire universe.

Now what am i getting at? Well now everyone has stopped thinking and questioning things, you believe what you read or see. The internet is to blame for alot of it and also certain news stations as well, don’t just join the flock think for yourself, but in saying that please use common sense. Research on where you are getting your information from and remember there is always 2 sides to a story don’t judge straight away and always have questions, its the best way to learn.

very recent dream that may have a meaning

30 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, depressed, depression, dream, dreaming, dreams, help, meaning

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I was under a veranda or some shelter at the beginning of the dream. It got dark and began to rain very heavily, hail stones began to fall, people were running for cover. The hailstones got larger and larger but no one was getting hit, it soon stopped and as i looked out i could see a dark forest. The clouds began to separate,the sun came out but the forest stayed dark and then beyond the forest standing tall in the sunlight was a huge mountain. Something that was once shrouded in dark clouds is now visible. The sun was shining on it showing the most amazing waterfalls running off of it. It was so big i’m amazed the clouds hid it so well. I reached for my phone to take a picture but the clouds came back covering it and all was left was a dark forest and the outline of a shadowed mountain that came to life for just a minute before being covered by the darkness again.

I truly wish i could draw what i saw but my artistic skill are very  much below par. I can remember it so clearly but i don’t know if it has any meaning or not.

Missing something?

19 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, battle, beliefs, depressed, depression, empty, friends, friendship, humanity, lost, missed, missing, people, relationship

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That feeling as if you’re missing something. You see other people that must have it but you don’t. Other people are in relationships or have very close friends but all you get is people blocking you and ignoring you. What am i doing wrong? should i be sending dick pics instead of trying to start a conversation? am i really that ugly? what is it? all i can figure out is that i don’t have it. Whatever it is i want it more then money. I don’t want to try and have everyone like me because i know not everyone can like you, that’s just ridiculous. But to have some that have no hidden agendas and would do anything for you like you would for them, is that too much to ask for? is trust non existent? Is everyone too self centred? don’t people think of other people any more? Whatever it is that I’m missing I want it!!

Anger

16 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anger, angry, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, emotion, emotions, hatred

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The one emotion i haven’t talked about and its something everyone gets, some worse than others. My anger wasn’t normal, i feel as though it was to do with my anxieties and depression that would set it off and make it worse. I would lose it over such little things and then instant regret straight after.

Most people have something called the fight or flight response. This triggers when you are in danger and you will either fight or flee. Mine would occur over anything resulting in anxiety attacks over anything but then in real dangers i didn’t care i’d stay and fight. I had no issues with being inflicted with any kinds of injuries in fact i would have welcomed it. This turned into just being in an angry lifeless mood all the time, just reading something would anger me even though there is nothing i could do i couldn’t shake this anger. Even seeing people just being rude would set me off, all i could think about was bashing them up no matter if it was a gang or someone ten times bigger then me.

It’s not healthy to just find the small things that make you angry, you have to find the positives, even when you think there isn’t any, trust me there is you just got to look harder weather it’s within yourself or somewhere different just don’t stop looking you will find it.

High Hopes Poem

11 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, career, depressed, depression, down, dreams, hopes, job, story

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The world is crumbling or is it just me?

It’s falling apart or is it that i can’t see?

Hopes and dreams are nothing but pain

who am I? what was my name?

Don’t contribute to that false hope

it will only show pain that you can’t cope.

Wishing and wanting are two separate things

one you can get the other’s just dreams.

Don’t set high hopes feeling wonderful and free

It’s a long way down, drowned in the bottom of the sea.

Just feeling a bit shattered again about a job opportunity that I was feeling so good about and couldn’t feel any better but I didn’t get the job and it’s a horrible feeling so I thought I’d share

Just a rough poem/lyrics i put together, hope you enjoy it.

15 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, depressed, depression, emotion, feelings, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, lyrics, mental health, poem, poetry, songs

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I’m trapped, slipping down the hole, no way out for me, I wish I had control but its already written down you see. My fate, seems unclear from here, give me some guidance, give me the wheel to steer. My vision is all blurred my senses see just fear, still falling down the hole can someone get me out of here.

still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

These wounds will never heal, they’re deeper then my soul, just get me away from here. I’m reaching out for help and all I see is beer……………. drinking beers  ,gimme  pills, I need to fill this hole give me more more more  alcohol, fuck these feelings I need to numb it, this shit works but ive over done it, laying here not knowing where I am a years gone by but then…….

I’m still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

From out of no where I suddenly stop to fall. have I been caught, or is it just another stall. My senses are coming back, are you really helping me? I feel you are my light breaking me free. I’m filled with hope, I know I can go on, im stronger now, but I couldn’t do it alone.

The workforce, Good and the bad!

09 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, career, depressed, depression, down, dream, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, inspiration, job, jobs, life

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Everyone has one, some love it and others hate it. A job is needed to earn money (obviously) but do you really want to spend alot of your life doing something you hate?

Iv’e gone through my school years never knowing what i wanted to do so i never went to University and ended up as a manager in retail just because it was offered to me. This is the job that really magnified my anxiety and depression. I never liked going into work and the money wasn’t worth the hours either. The worst part was the customers, you really see the worst in people, iv’e had things thrown at me and every insult you could think of. It really makes you hate people and lose faith in how people treat you.

I finally left that job and started one i enjoyed but still in retail and a manager. Customers were great, as i dealt with more trade people and they were all just so much more friendlier. But this time i started to lose my ambition because of who i worked with until finally i lost my job just before Christmas. I’m now jobless and have applied for many positions but still have been unsuccessful even with my experience.

It’s amazing how a job can control so many of your emotions and can make you feel trapped in a world of just work. Step back, open your eyes and see it’s just a job, you have family and friends, so enjoy those times more then anything.

Life is like a roller coaster?

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, illness, life, mental health, war

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Everyone has heard the saying that life is like a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. But what does it feel like to have depression?

Well for me and I’m sure others will agree if we use the concept of ups and downs i always preferred feeling down,  it was comfortable but i didn’t think it could get any worse. When i was feeling up or something good was happening i was very sceptical and hated it because i knew something bad was coming to knock me back down again which just makes you feel worse so i would stay feeling low and never raise my expectations or get excited so i never had to feel any disappointment. Without fail if i was feeling good i would be struck down and i’d feel like there was no point as i wouldn’t feel happy for long so it was just easier to stay down and this feeling is so hard to break as it can appear at any time and i still struggle with it big time. It’s like a dark shadow or dark voice in your head that out of nowhere just reminds you why you should always feel down and brings back the memories and feelings just to knock you down further. I don’t know if this can ever be beaten, you just have to continue to fight it but i get tired and just let it consume me as its easier to feel down constantly and you suffer from no disappointments as well.

Everyone says its like a battle but i see it more like a war, you may lose some battles but stay strong because you haven’t lost the war.

Do dreams really come true?

24 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, brain, deja vu, depressed, depression, down, dream, dreams, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, illness, life

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I dont know if you are like me but i day dream alot and i get really caught up in it that actually brings out emotion. Its really odd, if i thought about it for a bit i’d know there is no way it would come true but i get so caught up in it that i believe there is a chance which then changes to almost a certainty and it increases my hopes. This then just leads to a sudden drop when i realise it wont ever happen and it feels horrible its like im just torturing myself for no reason. Most people may set realistic dreams and they achieve them but mine must be way beyond that, when i hear people say work hard and you will achieve your dreams, how can this be possible? not everyone can get there dreams the world doesn’t work like that, you may achieve several goals but dreams are meant to be big like being a race car driver or an actor/actress with this in mind i still daydream and get caught up in it, and believe it will happen again and again, torture.

Another small mention to actual dreams you have when you sleep, this will sound weird but on several occasions iv’e had deja vu moments where i could be in a scenario and something clicks in my head or like a brain shudder and i remember a dream of the exact moment im in and i can almost predict what will happen. Its never been anything big its usually a place or just a comment and it doesn’t occur very often but its definitely an odd feeling.