Tag Archives: blue

Anger

16 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anger, angry, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, emotion, emotions, hatred

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The one emotion i haven’t talked about and its something everyone gets, some worse than others. My anger wasn’t normal, i feel as though it was to do with my anxieties and depression that would set it off and make it worse. I would lose it over such little things and then instant regret straight after.

Most people have something called the fight or flight response. This triggers when you are in danger and you will either fight or flee. Mine would occur over anything resulting in anxiety attacks over anything but then in real dangers i didn’t care i’d stay and fight. I had no issues with being inflicted with any kinds of injuries in fact i would have welcomed it. This turned into just being in an angry lifeless mood all the time, just reading something would anger me even though there is nothing i could do i couldn’t shake this anger. Even seeing people just being rude would set me off, all i could think about was bashing them up no matter if it was a gang or someone ten times bigger then me.

It’s not healthy to just find the small things that make you angry, you have to find the positives, even when you think there isn’t any, trust me there is you just got to look harder weather it’s within yourself or somewhere different just don’t stop looking you will find it.

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The workforce, Good and the bad!

09 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, career, depressed, depression, down, dream, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, inspiration, job, jobs, life

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Everyone has one, some love it and others hate it. A job is needed to earn money (obviously) but do you really want to spend alot of your life doing something you hate?

Iv’e gone through my school years never knowing what i wanted to do so i never went to University and ended up as a manager in retail just because it was offered to me. This is the job that really magnified my anxiety and depression. I never liked going into work and the money wasn’t worth the hours either. The worst part was the customers, you really see the worst in people, iv’e had things thrown at me and every insult you could think of. It really makes you hate people and lose faith in how people treat you.

I finally left that job and started one i enjoyed but still in retail and a manager. Customers were great, as i dealt with more trade people and they were all just so much more friendlier. But this time i started to lose my ambition because of who i worked with until finally i lost my job just before Christmas. I’m now jobless and have applied for many positions but still have been unsuccessful even with my experience.

It’s amazing how a job can control so many of your emotions and can make you feel trapped in a world of just work. Step back, open your eyes and see it’s just a job, you have family and friends, so enjoy those times more then anything.

Life is like a roller coaster?

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, illness, life, mental health, war

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Everyone has heard the saying that life is like a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. But what does it feel like to have depression?

Well for me and I’m sure others will agree if we use the concept of ups and downs i always preferred feeling down,  it was comfortable but i didn’t think it could get any worse. When i was feeling up or something good was happening i was very sceptical and hated it because i knew something bad was coming to knock me back down again which just makes you feel worse so i would stay feeling low and never raise my expectations or get excited so i never had to feel any disappointment. Without fail if i was feeling good i would be struck down and i’d feel like there was no point as i wouldn’t feel happy for long so it was just easier to stay down and this feeling is so hard to break as it can appear at any time and i still struggle with it big time. It’s like a dark shadow or dark voice in your head that out of nowhere just reminds you why you should always feel down and brings back the memories and feelings just to knock you down further. I don’t know if this can ever be beaten, you just have to continue to fight it but i get tired and just let it consume me as its easier to feel down constantly and you suffer from no disappointments as well.

Everyone says its like a battle but i see it more like a war, you may lose some battles but stay strong because you haven’t lost the war.

Are relapses ok?

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, down, drugs, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, mental health, relapse, xanax

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First off i don’t have an answer for this you can make up your own minds. I am human after all i have gone back to my old ways several times but just recently the feeling was too strong to resist, My mind wanted it and my body needed it. I think losing my job and getting rejection letters for other jobs iv’e applied for is actually getting to me, i grabbed the bottle of rum and washed down several pills, i felt nothing for a while and was a bit disappointed but there it was the feeling of complete relaxation and the slowed down thoughts of not caring about anything, oh how i had missed it, i slept in such a deep sleep you could have punched me and i wouldn’t have woken up. The following day i still had the effects and was pretty much comatose.

Its always there, that voice saying to just do it, it feels great i have nothing to lose. Most of the time i can ignore it and move on but my will is not always strong and i cave in to the voice. Strong on the outside but weak on the inside is how i felt. Right now im balancing on a ledge looking down into a dark deep hole and inside that hole is a voice saying “come on in everything will be fine” What’s holding me back from jumping in? im not sure but iv’e been dipping my feet in and living on the edge of this hole, its very easy to lose your balance so how long can i balance for?

The black sheep

17 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, dream, dreams, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, inspiration, inspire, life, mental health, outcast, resolution, sheep

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Have you ever felt like you dont fit in? or you’re the odd one out?

I have many times and i believe its linked together with depression. From not fitting in with conversations and being on the outside and un-noticed in friends circles at parties or pubs/clubs. To overcome this i tried to be more noisy and stand-out, This felt like it worked and i wasn’t the odd one out anymore but when i was down and i looked back at these instances it was all false i was the black sheep. I didn’t fit in, i missed out on the inside jokes and when i messaged to see whats going on, i’d find out they are already doing something so i gave up and everything went quiet. This made everything worse as i would see them having fun in photos and i would resent them, instead of doing something about it i would just wallow in self pity but i couldn’t snap out of it the depression was just feeding off this.

It took a while to come around (remember true friends stick by you through thick and thin) but im slowly getting there but i still believe i am the black sheep but now i see it as a positive instead of a negative. I’m no longer a follower, if i don’t like it then i won’t do it even if everybody does it. I will stand up for myself even when others see it as wrong, I love a good debate and arguement. I will not just follow because the majority does i am the minority, i am the black sheep.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 6

13 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Withdrawal symptoms, The one thing i thought id never have to worry about. I never really thought xanax would do this but i was wrong and boy is it hard to stop especially cold turkey. The right way to do it is to see your local GP first and most likely he or she will help you slowly get off of them and cut back your intake to a safe level to stop.

What happens if you stop immediately you ask? Its hell, plain and simple, it took me a few goes to stop and have it under control and when i ran out i couldn’t get my hands on them it was a nightmare, hot and cold flushes, feeling sick, constant panic attacks and migraines is just a small sample of the things i went through and it didn’t just last a week it took a good month for it to start to settle. My nerves were shot i had no control of my hands they would constantly shake and i felt confined or trapped its hard to describe but it felt as though everything was pushing in around me and i couldn’t think straight all i needed was a xanax and then i knew i would be ok and things would be clear again.

I wish i had gone to the doctors for help to get off of it as it would have been so much better and safer, i consider myself lucky to have the will and strength to stop and rise up from this but i realised something, im not alone, there is many people out there going through the same thing and alot of people out there to help you deal with it. So remember to just talk about it, its a huge relief to do it and seek help. You are not alone 🙂