Tag Archives: drug

Are relapses ok?

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, blue, depressed, depression, down, drugs, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, mental health, relapse, xanax

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First off i don’t have an answer for this you can make up your own minds. I am human after all i have gone back to my old ways several times but just recently the feeling was too strong to resist, My mind wanted it and my body needed it. I think losing my job and getting rejection letters for other jobs iv’e applied for is actually getting to me, i grabbed the bottle of rum and washed down several pills, i felt nothing for a while and was a bit disappointed but there it was the feeling of complete relaxation and the slowed down thoughts of not caring about anything, oh how i had missed it, i slept in such a deep sleep you could have punched me and i wouldn’t have woken up. The following day i still had the effects and was pretty much comatose.

Its always there, that voice saying to just do it, it feels great i have nothing to lose. Most of the time i can ignore it and move on but my will is not always strong and i cave in to the voice. Strong on the outside but weak on the inside is how i felt. Right now im balancing on a ledge looking down into a dark deep hole and inside that hole is a voice saying “come on in everything will be fine” What’s holding me back from jumping in? im not sure but iv’e been dipping my feet in and living on the edge of this hole, its very easy to lose your balance so how long can i balance for?

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Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 6

13 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Withdrawal symptoms, The one thing i thought id never have to worry about. I never really thought xanax would do this but i was wrong and boy is it hard to stop especially cold turkey. The right way to do it is to see your local GP first and most likely he or she will help you slowly get off of them and cut back your intake to a safe level to stop.

What happens if you stop immediately you ask? Its hell, plain and simple, it took me a few goes to stop and have it under control and when i ran out i couldn’t get my hands on them it was a nightmare, hot and cold flushes, feeling sick, constant panic attacks and migraines is just a small sample of the things i went through and it didn’t just last a week it took a good month for it to start to settle. My nerves were shot i had no control of my hands they would constantly shake and i felt confined or trapped its hard to describe but it felt as though everything was pushing in around me and i couldn’t think straight all i needed was a xanax and then i knew i would be ok and things would be clear again.

I wish i had gone to the doctors for help to get off of it as it would have been so much better and safer, i consider myself lucky to have the will and strength to stop and rise up from this but i realised something, im not alone, there is many people out there going through the same thing and alot of people out there to help you deal with it. So remember to just talk about it, its a huge relief to do it and seek help. You are not alone 🙂

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 4

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Dianabol. For those not sure what it is its a steroid that comes in tablet form to take orally instead of injections. I got my hands on some to do a cycle of just over a month at a low dosage of about 30mg a day. These can come with side effects but all i noticed was a huge increase in energy, massive increase in sex drive and my appetite had come back. i was hitting the gym harder and putting on the weight, I was feeling invincible but no other emotions. I never worried about anything, i was always pumped and ready to get into a fight if i needed to, even if it was 20 people i felt like i could beat them all.

Every night id take a xanax to sleep and sometimes another in the morning. Most weekends id head out to pick up women because i felt so emotionally dead that i didn’t care about the outcome and because of this it gave off false confidence which did actually work ( this is not the secret to picking up women haha) Once i had finished my cycle of dianabols i did drop a couple kg’s off due to water retention but i still felt dead and numb i was going through each day like a blur not caring if i didn’t wake up the next day.

Disaster hit one day when i had run out of xanax and this was the moment i knew i was addicted to them. The withdrawal symptoms were terrible. Migraines, body aching, constant anxiety attacks for no reason and nausea. At the time i was on 0.5mg of xanax but i was taking more like 1mg, This is when i got my hands on a new bottle of 2mg xanax tablets. when i took one of the 2mg pills the feeling was fantastic everything went away, time slowed down and so did my brain. id sleep all night and most of the day as the feeling lasted alot longer, this felt way better then having none and going through the withdrawal process again.

I had plenty of pills again my emotions were still dead i didn’t know what was really me and what was the drug talking so in a way i lost touch with who i was and this led to something else….. Alcohol.

Thanks for reading everyone my next will go into my new addiction with alcohol this one may take me a bit longer to write as alot of it was a blur but please stick with it ill have it out as soon as i can 🙂