Tag Archives: help

My progress thus far

23 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in anxiety, change, depressed, depression, doubt, down, dream, dreaming, dreams, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, hopeless, humanity, humans, My anxiety and depression story, Uncategorized

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It’s been a really long time since the last time iv’e posted. I really need to be in the right mindset as i don’t want to post rubbish plus i’m a busy lad. Iv’e completed my first year at university with very minor issues and a feeling of accomplishment in a long time.

Things around me seem to be moving fast and you get that feeling of being left behind. Iv’e had numerous dreams that point this out from friends leaving me behind to me being lost and needing to say something to someone but they are never there. I do admit i have a fear of being left behind and not sure how to deal with it. I’ll either disappear or cling on too tightly making them disappear, it’s a tough cycle.

Iv’e always thought is there a cure to mental illness and i really don’t think there is, it’s all a balancing act and managing it. For me it feels like i’m standing in the middle of a seesaw balancing, one side is extreme happiness the other is severe depression, the whole time i’m trying to stay level and balanced as if i lean too much towards extreme happiness for me all i think about is how long is this going to last till something bad happens knocking me heavily in the opposite direction. Talking is key but it’s extremely difficult because it’s so hard to put into words and others who haven’t gone through it will struggle to understand.

I think the older i get the more i realise and can get a grasp on it early but there is that one thing hiding in the back of your mind all the time filling you with ‘what if’s’ and every ‘what if’ is very negative. Everyone wants happiness but i think balance is the key, same goes for a relationship, a balance of independence and sharing with that person is what works so why not within yourself? why fall when you can stay level? Obviously this is easier said then done and i’m still figuring it out myself but i hope that might help you think more deeply about yourself and how you portray the inner you.

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Doubts

24 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by in doubt, doubts, guidance, help, hopeless, lost, questions, stuck, support, trapped

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Doubts will destroy you and make you question everything, This is happening to me right now. I thought I had found the job for me, something that each day I’m happy to go into work and get things done. My first doubt came in when 3 weeks into the job HR came in with the boss to have a word to me and list things that I should be doing which I thought ok no problem I’ll address them and get on top of it which I did and was feeling good again. But it wasn’t to last, just yesterday it was another similar meeting with even more points and questioning everything I do from as little as not emptying out the bosses bin in his office. And then the big question, am I out of my depths? followed by it doesn’t look like it’s working out. I wish I had an answer, is just over a month long enough for me to be on top of everything? am I just stupid? am I not meant to be a manager? am I not meant to be happy? what should I do? am I seriously that useless? where do I stand?

So many questions and I have no answers and I don’t know where to even get these answers from. I’m stuck.

Don’t end it all

23 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by in alone, blue, death, depressed, depression, drugs, family, friends, help, sad, story, suicide

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I’m sure from the title you know what I’m talking about, Some say its the easy way out or they are being selfish. To get to a point in your mind where you think everyone around you would be better off without you not around or that you don’t deserve to live. All of this is not true of course but let me tell you a story:

A few years back i was coming into work early in the morning, it was partly cloudy with the sun peaking through as it was rising from the horizon, it was very warm with a mildly warm breeze. Now where i park is just a normal car park for anyone  but its right next to our work and also the door for us to come in and out of when the shop is closed.

As i pulled up there was a car already there facing outwards with a sunshade up, didn’t think much of it, the window was down slightly on the drivers side and a man was in there which looked like he was sleeping, again i wasn’t suspicious as he had fluro work gear on and it just looked like he was taking a nap before the other guys got there to start work. I could see his stomach going up and down and now and again id see a bit of movement so i thought he is fine.

Couple hours has passed and even with us banging the door closed while we were letting other staff in before we opened he didn’t wake up. Before i knew it security was around there and on the phone to the paramedics, security had been yelling and shaking him to wake up but no response. When paramedics and police got there they pulled him out of the car and lay him on the ground in-between mine and his car ( there was a large gap because he hadn’t parked in the spot properly and was taking up 2 spots) They put up a cover around him so no one else could see ( we were parked up against the wall of our building so they only put it up to cover the road and other parks) They began working on him but to no avail. His lifeless body laid there on the ground for an hour or more as they were  waiting for someone to come and collect his body ( I can’t remember exactly who)

Later on the police came in to tell us that he had left a note in the car saying that he was taking his own life. He had left behind a wife and 2 kids, It was a suicide by tablet overdose of some kind. They said even when we saw him most likely he was already beyond being saved and the movements we saw was his body shutting down, But it still makes me think what if i did just try and wake the guy up and then i would have noticed something was wrong and maybe paramedics could have saved him and his wife would still have a husband and his kids would still have a dad. But the only image I’m left with is a man sprawled out on the ground completely lifeless and bubbling from the mouth.

Suicide is never the answer it doesn’t just effect family and friends but also to the ones who witnessed it and also the emergency services. Please talk to someone.

very recent dream that may have a meaning

30 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, depressed, depression, dream, dreaming, dreams, help, meaning

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I was under a veranda or some shelter at the beginning of the dream. It got dark and began to rain very heavily, hail stones began to fall, people were running for cover. The hailstones got larger and larger but no one was getting hit, it soon stopped and as i looked out i could see a dark forest. The clouds began to separate,the sun came out but the forest stayed dark and then beyond the forest standing tall in the sunlight was a huge mountain. Something that was once shrouded in dark clouds is now visible. The sun was shining on it showing the most amazing waterfalls running off of it. It was so big i’m amazed the clouds hid it so well. I reached for my phone to take a picture but the clouds came back covering it and all was left was a dark forest and the outline of a shadowed mountain that came to life for just a minute before being covered by the darkness again.

I truly wish i could draw what i saw but my artistic skill are very  much below par. I can remember it so clearly but i don’t know if it has any meaning or not.

The workforce, Good and the bad!

09 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, career, depressed, depression, down, dream, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, inspiration, job, jobs, life

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Everyone has one, some love it and others hate it. A job is needed to earn money (obviously) but do you really want to spend alot of your life doing something you hate?

Iv’e gone through my school years never knowing what i wanted to do so i never went to University and ended up as a manager in retail just because it was offered to me. This is the job that really magnified my anxiety and depression. I never liked going into work and the money wasn’t worth the hours either. The worst part was the customers, you really see the worst in people, iv’e had things thrown at me and every insult you could think of. It really makes you hate people and lose faith in how people treat you.

I finally left that job and started one i enjoyed but still in retail and a manager. Customers were great, as i dealt with more trade people and they were all just so much more friendlier. But this time i started to lose my ambition because of who i worked with until finally i lost my job just before Christmas. I’m now jobless and have applied for many positions but still have been unsuccessful even with my experience.

It’s amazing how a job can control so many of your emotions and can make you feel trapped in a world of just work. Step back, open your eyes and see it’s just a job, you have family and friends, so enjoy those times more then anything.

Do dreams really come true?

24 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in alone, anxiety, brain, deja vu, depressed, depression, down, dream, dreams, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, illness, life

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I dont know if you are like me but i day dream alot and i get really caught up in it that actually brings out emotion. Its really odd, if i thought about it for a bit i’d know there is no way it would come true but i get so caught up in it that i believe there is a chance which then changes to almost a certainty and it increases my hopes. This then just leads to a sudden drop when i realise it wont ever happen and it feels horrible its like im just torturing myself for no reason. Most people may set realistic dreams and they achieve them but mine must be way beyond that, when i hear people say work hard and you will achieve your dreams, how can this be possible? not everyone can get there dreams the world doesn’t work like that, you may achieve several goals but dreams are meant to be big like being a race car driver or an actor/actress with this in mind i still daydream and get caught up in it, and believe it will happen again and again, torture.

Another small mention to actual dreams you have when you sleep, this will sound weird but on several occasions iv’e had deja vu moments where i could be in a scenario and something clicks in my head or like a brain shudder and i remember a dream of the exact moment im in and i can almost predict what will happen. Its never been anything big its usually a place or just a comment and it doesn’t occur very often but its definitely an odd feeling.

What drives you?

10 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in depression, doctor, down, dream, dreams, drive, family, fitness, friends, friendship, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, hobbies, hobby, inspiration, inspire, life, life goals, mental health, support

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Most people have it whether its a long term ambition or just looking forward to the end of the day. I’m talking about what pushes you or drives you forward, it could be as simple as a new game you want to play or majority of the people…….. the weekend!!

These are small things that i’m sure you don’t even think about, they are just normal feelings of looking forward to something or enjoying your hobbies. Now try thinking of nothing, you have lost interest in things you like and there is nothing to look forward to not even in the short term. This is what a small part of depression feels like, you are stuck in limbo you don’t even care about the weekend you don’t even care what day it is because its just all the same. You lose interest in all the hobbies you once loved and you cant see why you even liked them in the first place. This becomes a very dangerous state of mind as you shut everyone and everything out, you have pretty much shut your mind off and all that’s left is negatives. This stage can get worse with some people as they don’t feel anything and so shut off that they self inflict injuries (if you see or if you are doing this seek help immediately there is plenty of places and the best place to start is your local GP)

That’s a small insight into depression so make the most of the fun times or hobbies you love, we all know the saying ‘stop and smell the roses’ so focus on the good things and your hobbies, or something you are looking forward to sometime in the future, you will be surprised to see you have alot you never really considered or gave much thought to.

What can i do if my friend is suffering from anxiety and depression?

03 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in family, fitness, friends, friendship, health, health and wellness, help, mental health, support

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Not only is this horrible for the person going through anxiety and depression but it also puts a strain on friendship because you feel so helpless.

Well ill list a few things you can do as a friend or a family member. First off still invite them out, they will say no alot but just asking makes them feel that they are still apart of the group and not left out. Next is listen, just listen to what they have to say it might not be about what they are going through but just a good conversation is brilliant.

The topic isnt taboo, you can talk about it with them and ask how they are going and things like that, its not a sensitive topic, you dont have to tip toe around it. Another one is a bit more specific with panic attacks, if you are with someone and they are having a panic attack just comfort them and sit down with them, make sure they are taking big deep breaths and just keep talking, this method has worked on me numerous of times.

One big one is be vigilant, if they seem to be changing in anyway with there personality and lose interest in things they used to love just try and gently push them to get some help or talk about it with their family members so they are aware aswell to help them out. You will find plenty of info on http://www.beyondblue.org.au

From someone still going through this just talk to us normally, you dont have to be careful what you say, but please be a true friend and be there and listen when we need you the most.

Hope this helps some people, the next part to my ongoing story should be up in the next couple of days 🙂

New year New you?

01 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in fitness, health, health and wellness, life goals, mental health, new year, resolution

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So its a new year which means everyone has a new years resolution that majority break within a week or two. So why do so many of them fail? it all comes down to the way you set your goals, Most common goals are i want to exercise more or lose weight and save money. Yes these are good goals but unfortunately near impossible to achieve, why? you may ask, well because they are too broad and you have given yourself a whole year to achieve this which means you put it off and put it off until you realise its new years eve again.

The best method to achieve your goals is to cut them down into smaller goals and set timeframes. lets say you want to lose weight this year, so lets cut that down to smaller goals, goal 1: sign up to a gym in the first week. Goal 2: exercise 2 to 3 times a week, find a friend or a PT to help motivate you to go. Goal 3: to lose 5kg in one month. By making smaller achievable goals throughout the year it will keep you on track and show results throughout the year to your main overall goal. Your mind will see the smaller goals as achievable then setting one over a whole year, we are very busy and the world is fast paced these days so its hard to concentrate on something when you aren’t really keeping track or seeing results.

You can also use this method for anxiety, for instance this year id like to have more control over myself and have less panic attacks. So i set this goal and then break it down, I find my triggers and then break them down into achievements, for example large crowds can trigger my anxiety so in one month id like to go to 2 crowded places with friends and when i achieve this i will reward myself, this could be anything from new shoes to a new game. Your mind reacts to  the rewards you earned for doing two things you aren’t comfortable with and in time your mind will adapt and see your anxiety triggers as something different.

Make sure this is all written down and when you do achieve a goal write it and cross it off and also write down what you rewarded yourself with. A good friend of mine told me to set up a jar or something and throughout the year when you do something good or something good happens write it down and date it with your name and put it in that jar, by the end of the year you will have a jar full of great milestones you had achieved and probably forgot about and if you’re living with someone they can have theirs in there too.

So remember, set yourself realistic goals throughout the year and reward yourself along the way, before you know it you will have accomplished your major goal for the new year.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 4

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Dianabol. For those not sure what it is its a steroid that comes in tablet form to take orally instead of injections. I got my hands on some to do a cycle of just over a month at a low dosage of about 30mg a day. These can come with side effects but all i noticed was a huge increase in energy, massive increase in sex drive and my appetite had come back. i was hitting the gym harder and putting on the weight, I was feeling invincible but no other emotions. I never worried about anything, i was always pumped and ready to get into a fight if i needed to, even if it was 20 people i felt like i could beat them all.

Every night id take a xanax to sleep and sometimes another in the morning. Most weekends id head out to pick up women because i felt so emotionally dead that i didn’t care about the outcome and because of this it gave off false confidence which did actually work ( this is not the secret to picking up women haha) Once i had finished my cycle of dianabols i did drop a couple kg’s off due to water retention but i still felt dead and numb i was going through each day like a blur not caring if i didn’t wake up the next day.

Disaster hit one day when i had run out of xanax and this was the moment i knew i was addicted to them. The withdrawal symptoms were terrible. Migraines, body aching, constant anxiety attacks for no reason and nausea. At the time i was on 0.5mg of xanax but i was taking more like 1mg, This is when i got my hands on a new bottle of 2mg xanax tablets. when i took one of the 2mg pills the feeling was fantastic everything went away, time slowed down and so did my brain. id sleep all night and most of the day as the feeling lasted alot longer, this felt way better then having none and going through the withdrawal process again.

I had plenty of pills again my emotions were still dead i didn’t know what was really me and what was the drug talking so in a way i lost touch with who i was and this led to something else….. Alcohol.

Thanks for reading everyone my next will go into my new addiction with alcohol this one may take me a bit longer to write as alot of it was a blur but please stick with it ill have it out as soon as i can 🙂