Tag Archives: mental health

Just a rough poem/lyrics i put together, hope you enjoy it.

15 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in addiction, alcohol, alone, anxiety, depressed, depression, emotion, feelings, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, lyrics, mental health, poem, poetry, songs

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I’m trapped, slipping down the hole, no way out for me, I wish I had control but its already written down you see. My fate, seems unclear from here, give me some guidance, give me the wheel to steer. My vision is all blurred my senses see just fear, still falling down the hole can someone get me out of here.

still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

These wounds will never heal, they’re deeper then my soul, just get me away from here. I’m reaching out for help and all I see is beer……………. drinking beers  ,gimme  pills, I need to fill this hole give me more more more  alcohol, fuck these feelings I need to numb it, this shit works but ive over done it, laying here not knowing where I am a years gone by but then…….

I’m still falling down the hole please just rescue me

still falling down the hole feeling nothing but just fear

I dont care who you are just help me on my feet.

From out of no where I suddenly stop to fall. have I been caught, or is it just another stall. My senses are coming back, are you really helping me? I feel you are my light breaking me free. I’m filled with hope, I know I can go on, im stronger now, but I couldn’t do it alone.

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Life is like a roller coaster?

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, illness, life, mental health, war

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Everyone has heard the saying that life is like a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. But what does it feel like to have depression?

Well for me and I’m sure others will agree if we use the concept of ups and downs i always preferred feeling down,  it was comfortable but i didn’t think it could get any worse. When i was feeling up or something good was happening i was very sceptical and hated it because i knew something bad was coming to knock me back down again which just makes you feel worse so i would stay feeling low and never raise my expectations or get excited so i never had to feel any disappointment. Without fail if i was feeling good i would be struck down and i’d feel like there was no point as i wouldn’t feel happy for long so it was just easier to stay down and this feeling is so hard to break as it can appear at any time and i still struggle with it big time. It’s like a dark shadow or dark voice in your head that out of nowhere just reminds you why you should always feel down and brings back the memories and feelings just to knock you down further. I don’t know if this can ever be beaten, you just have to continue to fight it but i get tired and just let it consume me as its easier to feel down constantly and you suffer from no disappointments as well.

Everyone says its like a battle but i see it more like a war, you may lose some battles but stay strong because you haven’t lost the war.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 6

13 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Withdrawal symptoms, The one thing i thought id never have to worry about. I never really thought xanax would do this but i was wrong and boy is it hard to stop especially cold turkey. The right way to do it is to see your local GP first and most likely he or she will help you slowly get off of them and cut back your intake to a safe level to stop.

What happens if you stop immediately you ask? Its hell, plain and simple, it took me a few goes to stop and have it under control and when i ran out i couldn’t get my hands on them it was a nightmare, hot and cold flushes, feeling sick, constant panic attacks and migraines is just a small sample of the things i went through and it didn’t just last a week it took a good month for it to start to settle. My nerves were shot i had no control of my hands they would constantly shake and i felt confined or trapped its hard to describe but it felt as though everything was pushing in around me and i couldn’t think straight all i needed was a xanax and then i knew i would be ok and things would be clear again.

I wish i had gone to the doctors for help to get off of it as it would have been so much better and safer, i consider myself lucky to have the will and strength to stop and rise up from this but i realised something, im not alone, there is many people out there going through the same thing and alot of people out there to help you deal with it. So remember to just talk about it, its a huge relief to do it and seek help. You are not alone 🙂

What drives you?

10 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in depression, doctor, down, dream, dreams, drive, family, fitness, friends, friendship, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, hobbies, hobby, inspiration, inspire, life, life goals, mental health, support

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Most people have it whether its a long term ambition or just looking forward to the end of the day. I’m talking about what pushes you or drives you forward, it could be as simple as a new game you want to play or majority of the people…….. the weekend!!

These are small things that i’m sure you don’t even think about, they are just normal feelings of looking forward to something or enjoying your hobbies. Now try thinking of nothing, you have lost interest in things you like and there is nothing to look forward to not even in the short term. This is what a small part of depression feels like, you are stuck in limbo you don’t even care about the weekend you don’t even care what day it is because its just all the same. You lose interest in all the hobbies you once loved and you cant see why you even liked them in the first place. This becomes a very dangerous state of mind as you shut everyone and everything out, you have pretty much shut your mind off and all that’s left is negatives. This stage can get worse with some people as they don’t feel anything and so shut off that they self inflict injuries (if you see or if you are doing this seek help immediately there is plenty of places and the best place to start is your local GP)

That’s a small insight into depression so make the most of the fun times or hobbies you love, we all know the saying ‘stop and smell the roses’ so focus on the good things and your hobbies, or something you are looking forward to sometime in the future, you will be surprised to see you have alot you never really considered or gave much thought to.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 5

06 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Alcohol, majority of people drink it and most just drink it socially. Others have an addiction and drink it non stop everyday. Me on the other hand i used it more as a tool for greater impact with the xanax.

It started one day when the house was empty i took a xanax ready for bed and decided to try some bacardi 151 shots (for people that dont know its a very strong alcoholic rum) I did 2 shots and within 10-15mins (estimation) my body felt numb, everything slowed down, i could barely feel any pain at all. You also feel very tired at the same time and this is when you get dumb ideas and i thought id see how hard i could bash my head against the door (its ok you can laugh)

The next morning my head did hurt for obvious reasons but i felt fine, i couldn’t remember too much but i knew i liked the feeling. This of course led to more alcohol and xanax mixing and sometimes just alcohol for example in the morning with my coffee id put some whiskey in it.

Taking a xanax on its own had no effect anymore and it felt like i needed those few shots of scotch or rum to speed up the process and with that id take less of the pills which means they would last longer. I continued this path and didn’t see any reason to stop. The problem was that i felt so low i couldnt see things getting any worse and this gave me comfort because i knew once things were looking up for me something will soon come around the corner and knock me all the way back down again.

Feeling low and numb was great because i knew nothing could hurt me……. until i ran out of xanax.

In the final part ill go into detail on why stopping cold turkey with xanax is bad and why you should go to a doctor. Thanks for reading.

What can i do if my friend is suffering from anxiety and depression?

03 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in family, fitness, friends, friendship, health, health and wellness, help, mental health, support

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Not only is this horrible for the person going through anxiety and depression but it also puts a strain on friendship because you feel so helpless.

Well ill list a few things you can do as a friend or a family member. First off still invite them out, they will say no alot but just asking makes them feel that they are still apart of the group and not left out. Next is listen, just listen to what they have to say it might not be about what they are going through but just a good conversation is brilliant.

The topic isnt taboo, you can talk about it with them and ask how they are going and things like that, its not a sensitive topic, you dont have to tip toe around it. Another one is a bit more specific with panic attacks, if you are with someone and they are having a panic attack just comfort them and sit down with them, make sure they are taking big deep breaths and just keep talking, this method has worked on me numerous of times.

One big one is be vigilant, if they seem to be changing in anyway with there personality and lose interest in things they used to love just try and gently push them to get some help or talk about it with their family members so they are aware aswell to help them out. You will find plenty of info on http://www.beyondblue.org.au

From someone still going through this just talk to us normally, you dont have to be careful what you say, but please be a true friend and be there and listen when we need you the most.

Hope this helps some people, the next part to my ongoing story should be up in the next couple of days 🙂

New year New you?

01 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in fitness, health, health and wellness, life goals, mental health, new year, resolution

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So its a new year which means everyone has a new years resolution that majority break within a week or two. So why do so many of them fail? it all comes down to the way you set your goals, Most common goals are i want to exercise more or lose weight and save money. Yes these are good goals but unfortunately near impossible to achieve, why? you may ask, well because they are too broad and you have given yourself a whole year to achieve this which means you put it off and put it off until you realise its new years eve again.

The best method to achieve your goals is to cut them down into smaller goals and set timeframes. lets say you want to lose weight this year, so lets cut that down to smaller goals, goal 1: sign up to a gym in the first week. Goal 2: exercise 2 to 3 times a week, find a friend or a PT to help motivate you to go. Goal 3: to lose 5kg in one month. By making smaller achievable goals throughout the year it will keep you on track and show results throughout the year to your main overall goal. Your mind will see the smaller goals as achievable then setting one over a whole year, we are very busy and the world is fast paced these days so its hard to concentrate on something when you aren’t really keeping track or seeing results.

You can also use this method for anxiety, for instance this year id like to have more control over myself and have less panic attacks. So i set this goal and then break it down, I find my triggers and then break them down into achievements, for example large crowds can trigger my anxiety so in one month id like to go to 2 crowded places with friends and when i achieve this i will reward myself, this could be anything from new shoes to a new game. Your mind reacts to  the rewards you earned for doing two things you aren’t comfortable with and in time your mind will adapt and see your anxiety triggers as something different.

Make sure this is all written down and when you do achieve a goal write it and cross it off and also write down what you rewarded yourself with. A good friend of mine told me to set up a jar or something and throughout the year when you do something good or something good happens write it down and date it with your name and put it in that jar, by the end of the year you will have a jar full of great milestones you had achieved and probably forgot about and if you’re living with someone they can have theirs in there too.

So remember, set yourself realistic goals throughout the year and reward yourself along the way, before you know it you will have accomplished your major goal for the new year.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 4

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Dianabol. For those not sure what it is its a steroid that comes in tablet form to take orally instead of injections. I got my hands on some to do a cycle of just over a month at a low dosage of about 30mg a day. These can come with side effects but all i noticed was a huge increase in energy, massive increase in sex drive and my appetite had come back. i was hitting the gym harder and putting on the weight, I was feeling invincible but no other emotions. I never worried about anything, i was always pumped and ready to get into a fight if i needed to, even if it was 20 people i felt like i could beat them all.

Every night id take a xanax to sleep and sometimes another in the morning. Most weekends id head out to pick up women because i felt so emotionally dead that i didn’t care about the outcome and because of this it gave off false confidence which did actually work ( this is not the secret to picking up women haha) Once i had finished my cycle of dianabols i did drop a couple kg’s off due to water retention but i still felt dead and numb i was going through each day like a blur not caring if i didn’t wake up the next day.

Disaster hit one day when i had run out of xanax and this was the moment i knew i was addicted to them. The withdrawal symptoms were terrible. Migraines, body aching, constant anxiety attacks for no reason and nausea. At the time i was on 0.5mg of xanax but i was taking more like 1mg, This is when i got my hands on a new bottle of 2mg xanax tablets. when i took one of the 2mg pills the feeling was fantastic everything went away, time slowed down and so did my brain. id sleep all night and most of the day as the feeling lasted alot longer, this felt way better then having none and going through the withdrawal process again.

I had plenty of pills again my emotions were still dead i didn’t know what was really me and what was the drug talking so in a way i lost touch with who i was and this led to something else….. Alcohol.

Thanks for reading everyone my next will go into my new addiction with alcohol this one may take me a bit longer to write as alot of it was a blur but please stick with it ill have it out as soon as i can 🙂

Expressed Feelings

28 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by in health, health & wellness, health and wellness, mental health, poem, poetry

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Hi everyone, this is a couple of expressed feelings i had written down during those bad times, im sure alot of you could relate to this….

trapped in a sea of despair

holding onto hope like a raft.

waiting, dreaming for the rescue.

a light comes closer like a warm glow of happiness,

alas your aches are replaced with cheer,

you see your future bright and clear,

it feels like it will last forever but nothing will, never ever.

that light you once saw that filled you with warmth

was nothing but hope empty and cold.

my mind is together but my heart is torn

this feeling is torture, why was i born?

the sense of alone and being left behind just like that sea i float. Empty. Unkind.

One More……

stuck in a hole with no way out.

All i can see is a spot of light

it can never be reached

it just stays there above me not giving hope

Seeing something i want but will never have.

the walls close in but never crush

not much air but enough to live.

nothing but torture created by evil but this evil has a name and the name is you.

Thanks for reading, ill have my next part to my journey up hopefully tomorrow.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 3

26 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Finding a doctor that takes this seriously is half the battle. As mentioned in my previous post i had hurt my back badly, this got to a point that i went to the doctors and he gave me diazepam (which is like xanax) and some pain killers. Again these did not help in the long run.

My back was on and off with pain now and i was being ignorant and not getting it looked at properly. I turned my attention back to my anxiety by finding a better doctor who takes it seriously, He drew up a mental plan and we began with some drugs to help me out. This point i was put onto the popular one Zoloft, and for bad episodes i was given xanax. I was also given epilim but wasn’t keen in taking them as well with everything else.

The zoloft came with side effects, within a week of being on them i wasn’t really eating i felt down and every morning id wake up feeling really anxious so i was getting very little sleep. with this i was taking xanax every day and every morning id get so anxious that id throw up. After about a month of this my body started to get used to this and i was upped my dosage of Zoloft. I never felt any different and felt like it was a waste of time but i persisted.

I got a lucky break and got a new job and was feeling really happy until i did my back again resulting in me going to the hospital where a new drug became my friend. I was bed ridden, when i tried to get up and walk the pain was so bad i would feel instantly sick and since i had started a new job i had to get back ASAP. I was back to work within a week still in pain but taking strong pain killers everyday. most days were just a blur, taking codeine painkillers and xanax slowed everything down it felt like i had longer time to think but only took the slight edge off the pain. that’s when i thought i cant live with this pain forever. Feelings disappeared and i felt like an empty shell. I didn’t care about my own safety or if anything bad happened to me. After a few months my back pain wasn’t as bad and i wanted to put weight back on again but i was never hungry and still didn’t feel well and this led to a new drug…………………….

Beginning of a new drug………………….. Please follow and like my blog, in my next entry ill discuss what the next drug was and continue the downward spiral.