Tag Archives: wellness

ON THE RIGHT PATH

27 Saturday Feb 2016

Posted by in career, study, Uncategorized, university

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Hello all, I do realise it has been a long time since my last post but at least I have positives to talk about.

I lost my job again and seriously doubted can I do this for the rest of my life, I tried to think of things that I liked doing with my job and one thing came up, teaching/helping employees. I’m not a very patient guy but when it comes to teaching someone I have an unlimited amount and never get angry and to see someone actually learn something of importance was an awesome feeling. With support from my family and friends I applied for university to obtain a bachelors degree in education.

When I received an e-mail saying congratulations as they have accepted me I was shocked, I didn’t think I would get in but here I was thinking I’m too old to change careers now about to jump back into school and start again.

I haven’t officially started yet but I have gone for orientation and I’m really happy I took this step, I had worries at first (mainly financial stuff) but the government does help a bit and I’ll get a casual job in the meantime to cover other costs. I will write more as I go through Uni life as a mature aged student and give an insight to others that might be thinking the same thing.

My quick advice for now would be it’s never too late to change career and aim for something you enjoy doing, don’t stay unhappy in a job you don’t like not only will it bring you down but it hurts everyone else around you too.

Life is like a roller coaster?

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, alone, anxiety, battle, black, blue, depressed, depression, down, fear, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, illness, life, mental health, war

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Everyone has heard the saying that life is like a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. But what does it feel like to have depression?

Well for me and I’m sure others will agree if we use the concept of ups and downs i always preferred feeling down,  it was comfortable but i didn’t think it could get any worse. When i was feeling up or something good was happening i was very sceptical and hated it because i knew something bad was coming to knock me back down again which just makes you feel worse so i would stay feeling low and never raise my expectations or get excited so i never had to feel any disappointment. Without fail if i was feeling good i would be struck down and i’d feel like there was no point as i wouldn’t feel happy for long so it was just easier to stay down and this feeling is so hard to break as it can appear at any time and i still struggle with it big time. It’s like a dark shadow or dark voice in your head that out of nowhere just reminds you why you should always feel down and brings back the memories and feelings just to knock you down further. I don’t know if this can ever be beaten, you just have to continue to fight it but i get tired and just let it consume me as its easier to feel down constantly and you suffer from no disappointments as well.

Everyone says its like a battle but i see it more like a war, you may lose some battles but stay strong because you haven’t lost the war.

What drives you?

10 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in depression, doctor, down, dream, dreams, drive, family, fitness, friends, friendship, health, health & wellness, health and wellness, help, hobbies, hobby, inspiration, inspire, life, life goals, mental health, support

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Most people have it whether its a long term ambition or just looking forward to the end of the day. I’m talking about what pushes you or drives you forward, it could be as simple as a new game you want to play or majority of the people…….. the weekend!!

These are small things that i’m sure you don’t even think about, they are just normal feelings of looking forward to something or enjoying your hobbies. Now try thinking of nothing, you have lost interest in things you like and there is nothing to look forward to not even in the short term. This is what a small part of depression feels like, you are stuck in limbo you don’t even care about the weekend you don’t even care what day it is because its just all the same. You lose interest in all the hobbies you once loved and you cant see why you even liked them in the first place. This becomes a very dangerous state of mind as you shut everyone and everything out, you have pretty much shut your mind off and all that’s left is negatives. This stage can get worse with some people as they don’t feel anything and so shut off that they self inflict injuries (if you see or if you are doing this seek help immediately there is plenty of places and the best place to start is your local GP)

That’s a small insight into depression so make the most of the fun times or hobbies you love, we all know the saying ‘stop and smell the roses’ so focus on the good things and your hobbies, or something you are looking forward to sometime in the future, you will be surprised to see you have alot you never really considered or gave much thought to.

Who are you?

08 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in addiction, anxiety, depression, family, friends, friendship, health & wellness, health and wellness, life, poetry, questions

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Who are you? sit down and ponder that for a while. Is the you that you’re showing to others the real you? how many versions of you is there? do you go out with friends and be the life of the party and aim to make others laugh but then at home you are quiet and withdrawn, which version is the real you? is it both? is it none? are you just chasing approval or wanting to please everyone other then yourself?

I ask myself the same question often. Why do i care about pleasing everyone or there opinion of me. Its impossible to please everyone in the same way not everyone likes the same sporting team or the same music, this is what makes the world work and creates new things from music to movies. With saying that it also creates groups and fan clubs. It also relates to personalities, not everyone will like yours but you will find that special group or fan club that love it, thats when you find true friendship, the moment you can be yourself and feel relaxed, no need to be careful what you say or what you do. You cannot have everyone like you so why try? just be you and have the real fans around you.

Do we control our mind or do our minds control us? Just remember the way i see red will be different to the way you see red.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 5

06 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Alcohol, majority of people drink it and most just drink it socially. Others have an addiction and drink it non stop everyday. Me on the other hand i used it more as a tool for greater impact with the xanax.

It started one day when the house was empty i took a xanax ready for bed and decided to try some bacardi 151 shots (for people that dont know its a very strong alcoholic rum) I did 2 shots and within 10-15mins (estimation) my body felt numb, everything slowed down, i could barely feel any pain at all. You also feel very tired at the same time and this is when you get dumb ideas and i thought id see how hard i could bash my head against the door (its ok you can laugh)

The next morning my head did hurt for obvious reasons but i felt fine, i couldn’t remember too much but i knew i liked the feeling. This of course led to more alcohol and xanax mixing and sometimes just alcohol for example in the morning with my coffee id put some whiskey in it.

Taking a xanax on its own had no effect anymore and it felt like i needed those few shots of scotch or rum to speed up the process and with that id take less of the pills which means they would last longer. I continued this path and didn’t see any reason to stop. The problem was that i felt so low i couldnt see things getting any worse and this gave me comfort because i knew once things were looking up for me something will soon come around the corner and knock me all the way back down again.

Feeling low and numb was great because i knew nothing could hurt me……. until i ran out of xanax.

In the final part ill go into detail on why stopping cold turkey with xanax is bad and why you should go to a doctor. Thanks for reading.

What can i do if my friend is suffering from anxiety and depression?

03 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in family, fitness, friends, friendship, health, health and wellness, help, mental health, support

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Not only is this horrible for the person going through anxiety and depression but it also puts a strain on friendship because you feel so helpless.

Well ill list a few things you can do as a friend or a family member. First off still invite them out, they will say no alot but just asking makes them feel that they are still apart of the group and not left out. Next is listen, just listen to what they have to say it might not be about what they are going through but just a good conversation is brilliant.

The topic isnt taboo, you can talk about it with them and ask how they are going and things like that, its not a sensitive topic, you dont have to tip toe around it. Another one is a bit more specific with panic attacks, if you are with someone and they are having a panic attack just comfort them and sit down with them, make sure they are taking big deep breaths and just keep talking, this method has worked on me numerous of times.

One big one is be vigilant, if they seem to be changing in anyway with there personality and lose interest in things they used to love just try and gently push them to get some help or talk about it with their family members so they are aware aswell to help them out. You will find plenty of info on http://www.beyondblue.org.au

From someone still going through this just talk to us normally, you dont have to be careful what you say, but please be a true friend and be there and listen when we need you the most.

Hope this helps some people, the next part to my ongoing story should be up in the next couple of days 🙂

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 4

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Dianabol. For those not sure what it is its a steroid that comes in tablet form to take orally instead of injections. I got my hands on some to do a cycle of just over a month at a low dosage of about 30mg a day. These can come with side effects but all i noticed was a huge increase in energy, massive increase in sex drive and my appetite had come back. i was hitting the gym harder and putting on the weight, I was feeling invincible but no other emotions. I never worried about anything, i was always pumped and ready to get into a fight if i needed to, even if it was 20 people i felt like i could beat them all.

Every night id take a xanax to sleep and sometimes another in the morning. Most weekends id head out to pick up women because i felt so emotionally dead that i didn’t care about the outcome and because of this it gave off false confidence which did actually work ( this is not the secret to picking up women haha) Once i had finished my cycle of dianabols i did drop a couple kg’s off due to water retention but i still felt dead and numb i was going through each day like a blur not caring if i didn’t wake up the next day.

Disaster hit one day when i had run out of xanax and this was the moment i knew i was addicted to them. The withdrawal symptoms were terrible. Migraines, body aching, constant anxiety attacks for no reason and nausea. At the time i was on 0.5mg of xanax but i was taking more like 1mg, This is when i got my hands on a new bottle of 2mg xanax tablets. when i took one of the 2mg pills the feeling was fantastic everything went away, time slowed down and so did my brain. id sleep all night and most of the day as the feeling lasted alot longer, this felt way better then having none and going through the withdrawal process again.

I had plenty of pills again my emotions were still dead i didn’t know what was really me and what was the drug talking so in a way i lost touch with who i was and this led to something else….. Alcohol.

Thanks for reading everyone my next will go into my new addiction with alcohol this one may take me a bit longer to write as alot of it was a blur but please stick with it ill have it out as soon as i can 🙂

Expressed Feelings

28 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by in health, health & wellness, health and wellness, mental health, poem, poetry

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Hi everyone, this is a couple of expressed feelings i had written down during those bad times, im sure alot of you could relate to this….

trapped in a sea of despair

holding onto hope like a raft.

waiting, dreaming for the rescue.

a light comes closer like a warm glow of happiness,

alas your aches are replaced with cheer,

you see your future bright and clear,

it feels like it will last forever but nothing will, never ever.

that light you once saw that filled you with warmth

was nothing but hope empty and cold.

my mind is together but my heart is torn

this feeling is torture, why was i born?

the sense of alone and being left behind just like that sea i float. Empty. Unkind.

One More……

stuck in a hole with no way out.

All i can see is a spot of light

it can never be reached

it just stays there above me not giving hope

Seeing something i want but will never have.

the walls close in but never crush

not much air but enough to live.

nothing but torture created by evil but this evil has a name and the name is you.

Thanks for reading, ill have my next part to my journey up hopefully tomorrow.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety part 3

26 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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Finding a doctor that takes this seriously is half the battle. As mentioned in my previous post i had hurt my back badly, this got to a point that i went to the doctors and he gave me diazepam (which is like xanax) and some pain killers. Again these did not help in the long run.

My back was on and off with pain now and i was being ignorant and not getting it looked at properly. I turned my attention back to my anxiety by finding a better doctor who takes it seriously, He drew up a mental plan and we began with some drugs to help me out. This point i was put onto the popular one Zoloft, and for bad episodes i was given xanax. I was also given epilim but wasn’t keen in taking them as well with everything else.

The zoloft came with side effects, within a week of being on them i wasn’t really eating i felt down and every morning id wake up feeling really anxious so i was getting very little sleep. with this i was taking xanax every day and every morning id get so anxious that id throw up. After about a month of this my body started to get used to this and i was upped my dosage of Zoloft. I never felt any different and felt like it was a waste of time but i persisted.

I got a lucky break and got a new job and was feeling really happy until i did my back again resulting in me going to the hospital where a new drug became my friend. I was bed ridden, when i tried to get up and walk the pain was so bad i would feel instantly sick and since i had started a new job i had to get back ASAP. I was back to work within a week still in pain but taking strong pain killers everyday. most days were just a blur, taking codeine painkillers and xanax slowed everything down it felt like i had longer time to think but only took the slight edge off the pain. that’s when i thought i cant live with this pain forever. Feelings disappeared and i felt like an empty shell. I didn’t care about my own safety or if anything bad happened to me. After a few months my back pain wasn’t as bad and i wanted to put weight back on again but i was never hungry and still didn’t feel well and this led to a new drug…………………….

Beginning of a new drug………………….. Please follow and like my blog, in my next entry ill discuss what the next drug was and continue the downward spiral.

Beginning of depression and Anxiety Part 2

23 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in My anxiety and depression story

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My first anxiety attack happened at work and at the time i didn’t know what it was. My chest tightened up and no matter how many deep breaths i took it never felt enough, like i was not getting enough oxygen which then makes you start breathing faster and faster which just makes it worse. i really thought it was some kind of heart attack, my heart was beating so fast and my whole body began shaking. After that anxiety attack my whole body would tingle which felt very odd. This happened a few times before i found out what it really was.

Luckily for me our workplace had the free doctor check ups going and when i had mine done the lady had to do my blood pressure 3 times before she referred me to an actual doctor as it was way too high. With pressure from my mum i reluctantly went to see a doctor, He took my blood pressure as well and then asked me questions about anxiety attacks which helped me realise what i was having for the past couple months were that and not any heart problems. With that information he gave me some xanax and sent me on my way (which is not what a doctor should really do now)

Taking my first xanax felt amazing, i had never felt so relaxed and at ease, i didn’t have a care in the world and this is what i thought was a normal feeling for people everyday. At this point is when i hurt my back resulting in sciatic nerve pain which i wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

In my next chapter ill describe how important it is to find the right doctor and discuss more into the drugs i was given for my anxiety and depression and also the drugs i had for my back pain.